


An English Major's Commentary on 'Hogwarts School Of Prayers And Miracles'

by Peculiar_Banana



Category: Christian Bible, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Author Commentary, Gen, Preferably The Original Author, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Wants To Throw Something Out Of The Window, This Is What Boredom Leads To, We're In For A Ride Guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-09 00:35:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4327107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peculiar_Banana/pseuds/Peculiar_Banana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I never dreamed there would be something worse than My Immortal but the internet proved me wrong yet again when I discovered a christian version of Harry Potter. In the same fashion as MI, I thought I would share my commentary of 'Hogwarts School Of Prayers And Miracles' with you guys because I can't bear this trauma alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. That Symbol, The Semicolon, I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means

**Author's Note:**

> Before we begin: I have nothing against religion itself, what I am categorically against is people trying to shove their religion down my throat and using religion to set themselves on a pedestal because that somehow makes them better than other humans.

_Author's Note: Hello, friends! My name is Grace Ann. I'm new to this whole fanfiction thing; but recently, I've encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to **[To what? You can't just end a sentence like that]**. My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and _**[You don’t need a ‘;’ if you’re going to use ‘and’]**_ of course I'm happy for them to be reading; **[This ‘;’ is also unnecessary]** but I don't want them turning into witches **[Heaven forbid they practice actual witchcraft]**! So I thought….. why not make some slight **[I wonder what your definition of 'slight' is]** changes so these books are family friendly **[These books ARE family friendly. In fact they’re classified as ‘children’s book’ and providesome very important values for kids to have]** ? And then I thought, why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem? So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you! So, without further ado-_

**_[Is it just me or does everyone else feel as if she's talking to 5 year olds?]_ **

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle _ **[What happened to Dudley?]**_. He was a good, obedient boy who did all his chores _**['Obedient' isn't the adjective I'd use to describe Harry. Try 'smartass' or ' sassmaster']**_ ; _**[Yet another unnecessary ‘;’. Shall I start a count?]**_ but he felt that there was something missing in his life. Something big and special; _**[That's it, I'm starting a count]**_ but he could not quite name it. He stayed up every night; _**[6]**_ and wished for this special something; _**[7]**_  but then one day, there was a knock at his door-and everything changed ** _[This paragraph is all over the place]_**.

"Answer the door, Harry!" his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup _**[I find it hard to believe she's a career woman and never wears make up]**_. Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; **_[8]_** and put a tray of moist, chocolate brownies in the oven.

 _Shouldn't you be doing that?_  Harry thought; **_[9]_** but he was a very obedient young boy, so he answered the door right away. He turned the brass, metal doorknob _**[As opposed to the brass, wooden doorknob?]**_ ; **_[10]_ ** and pulled open the heavy, wooden door.

On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; **_[11]_** and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots **_[He's an ax short of being a lumberjack]_**. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair **_[Why is a description of chest hair necessary in a children's tale?]_**. He wore a necklace that looked to Harry like a lowercase T. Just looking at Harry feel happy, peaceful somehow _ **[Who's doing the looking? This sentence makes no sense]**_ ; _**[12]**_ but he couldn't say why!

"Good morning, kiddo," the man greeted amiably; and smiled at Harry. He had the peaceful, friendly sort of face you just knew you could trust _**[Remember kids: beware of pedophiles]**_. "My name is Hagrid. Could I speak to your mommy and daddy?"

"I don't have a mommy or daddy," Harry replied sadly _**[Shall I start a counter for the adverbs too?]**_ ; and looked at his raggedy, old shoes that were blue _**[I feel like a 10 year old's the author behind this]**_. Perhaps that was why he felt so lonely, he thought, not for the first time. Maybe that was what he was missing-a mommy and daddy. But no, that was not quite right.

"I am so sorry to hear that!" Hagrid uttered empathetically **_[counter n2: adverbs]_**.

"You can speak with my auntie and uncle," Harry retorted politely _**[5]**_ ; **_[13]_** and blinked his big, blue **_[*green]_** , childlike eyes.

_**[*Pulls out dictionary***_

  _ **re·tort**_

  _ **rəˈtôrt/**_

  _ **verb**_

_**past tense: retorted; past participle: retorted** _

  1. _**say something in answer to a remark or accusation, typically in a sharp, angry, or wittily incisive manner.**_

  2. _**(archaic)**_ _ **repay an insult or injury.**_



  _ **So I don't think 'retort' is the word you're looking for]**_

"What do you want?" Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; **_[14]_ ** and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit _**[That terrible woman! How dare she wear whatever she wants in her own house]**_.

"Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved," Hagrid exclaimed brightly **_[6]_** ; _**[15]**_ and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat _**[Hagrid's a walking stereotype at this point].**_

Aunt Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh; ** _[16]_ ** and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots _ **[British people don't wear shoes in the house]**_. "Saved? Don't tell me you are you one of those Christians?"

Harry did not know what that word meant _**[I find that hard to believe]**_ ; **_[17]_** but Hagrid's smile was the most peaceful smile he had ever seen. It made Harry feel warm and happy inside just seeing the glowing, radiant grin on the kind, friendly stranger's face _**[This is creepy. I know it's not meant to be, but it is]**_. He wondered why Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon did not smile like that... _**[Well if Dudley existed in this narrative, you would've seen them smile like that at him]**_

"Yes, I am," Hagrid replied kindly **_[7]_**. "Are you?"

Aunt Petunia laughed again; _**[18]**_ and stuck her pointy, sharp nose up in the air. "We are too smart for that ** _[So Petunia's also a walking stereotype]_**. Haven't you read Dawkins? God is dead! Dawkins proved that _**[You can't prove god is dead. I'm not defending the idea of god but there's no way to prove he's dead just like there's no way to prove he's alive. Not to mention death implies life and, typically, god just is]**_. Would you like us to educate you on the Dawkins?"

"What is a Christian?" Harry queried _**[Someone swallowed a thesaurus]**_ innocently **_[8]_** ; _**[19]**_ and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time ** _[I don't know what atheist you've been hanging out with but stop implying we're all filthy]_**.

"Christians are people who want to be good _**[*cough* crusades *cough*]**_ ," Hagrid explained wisely _**[9]**_ ; _**[20]**_ and crouched down so he was on ** _[*at]_** eye level with Harry. "We want to go to heaven after we die _ **[So basically you’re good for the reward and not for the sake of being good. Do you see the problem with that? Because I do]**_. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?"

Harry shook his head; _**[21]**_ and his big eyes were wide and curious **_[Harry has now morphed into an anime character with those characteristic big eyes]_**.

"Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God."

Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; _**[22]**_ and her voice was sickly _**[9]**_ sweet when she said, "Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism **_[I wouldn't say the UK is socialist. Maybe more than the US I suppose]_** and birthdays ** _[I grew up in a Christian home and I had birthdays?]_**. Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things **_[Please do]_**."

Hagrid laughed wisely **_[a. How do you laugh wisely??? b. 10]_**. "Evolution is a fairytale ** _[While the book about a talking snake and the earth's creation in a mere 7 days is totally legit]_**. You don't really believe that, do you _**[As a matter of fact I do. I believe it so much I’m currently studying it in uni. Get over yourself bitch]**_?"

"Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched _ **[Never did I think the day would come when I agreed with Petunia Dursley but here I am]**_.

"Well then prove it _**[This line is just as bad as the ‘if we came from chimps why are they still around?’ one. They both make me want to strangle someone]**_!"

Aunt Petunia could only stare at him ** _[Me too, Petunia, me too]_** ; ** _[23. There goes my hope of her realising you can't just use semi-colons everywhere]_ ** and her big mouth hung open dumbly **_[11]_**. Here she thought she was so educated **_[I can name several creationists who are also educated. Many educated people are quite stupid, to quote Sun Bak]_** ; **_[24]_** and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in _**[Well the christian just demanded the exact same thing]**_ ; **_[25]_** but she couldn't even prove her own religion **_[a. Evolution isn't a religion since science isn't a religion, it's a set of facts, b. she’s staring like that because she can’t believe you just said that]_**. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was _**[Oh Harry, you young impressionable kid...]**_!

"Tell me how to get to this heaven place!" Harry cried wistfully _**[12]**_ , clasping his hands together _**[Well, step one: you die]**_. Sometimes, the wisdom of little ones is really **_[13]_ ** amazing _**[And yet adults never listen to us because they're 'more experienced' and 'know how the world works']**_. We think we grownups know it all ** _[Yes, yes you do, and you won’t listen to ANYTHING that goes against your beliefs. It’s rather annoying at times]_** ; **_[26]_** but then God speaks through the mouths of little ones **_[You were on the right track there for a second but you lost it. Ah well, I suppose you tried]_** ; _**[27]**_ and shows us how we are all mortals struggling along the path of life. Humility _ **[Is there part of a sentence that was lost here?]**_.

"All you have to do is be saved. Do you want to be saved ?"

"I do, I do!" Harry squealed, jumping up and down.

_**[Us faithless heathens who don’t want to be saved will toast to your honour when we’re in hell]** _

"Then pray the sinner's prayer!"

Aunt Petunia tried to stop him; **_[28]_** but she was powerless against Harry's pure, innocent, holy energy _**[His what now?]**_. Soon, Harry had said the prayer. Hagrid beamed happily. **_[I am a robot. This is how I speak. It is very riveting.]_**

"You're a Christian now, Harry!" Hagrid cried proudly **_[14]_**.

_**[No he's not. Even the evangelican sect of christianity believes in baptism. You need to submerge him in a river for him to be converted. Why am I the one telling you this?]** _

Harry smiled but then interrogated, "But how do I be a Christian? I don't know how!"

Hagrid grinned widely _**[15]**_. "There is only one place to learn that-Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles _**[oh lord, we’re in for a wild ride aren’t we?]**_!"

 _Author's Note: SO what do you all think **[It's worse than I originally thought]**? I may not be a professional writer **[Obviously]** ; **[29]** but I think I am being given the talent to pull this off in service of a greater mission =) **[You are really, REALLY, not]**_ _  
_

_Blessings!_

_\- Grace Ann_

**_[semicolon count: 30]_ **

**_[adverb count: 15]_ **


	2. God Doesn't Want To Give Up The Secret To Teleportation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry makes the decision to leave his family of faithless heathens and go to Hogwarts School of Prayers and Miracles to be a better christian

_ Author's Note: Hello, friends! I have been getting so many lovely, thankful messages from mommies everywhere **[I feel sorry for their kids]** ; **[1]** and I just want to say-thank you all for your encouragement! However; **[If that semicolon had been before the 'however' if would've actually been used correctly. A girl can dream right?. 2]** I have also been getting several messages saying that my story is bad because Harry Potter is not just about witches; **[3]** it is also about friendship and kindness and bravery. Friends: **[Also unnecessary use of the colon]** this is exactly what I have been saying! Harry Potter has many good things about it; **[4]** but it still has witchcraft **[IMAGINARY witchcraft because witchcraft, _to my knowledge,_  ISN’T REAL. Of course one could argue that the bible is filled with what appears to be witchcraft but it's different because that's the work of god]**; **[5]** so my children cannot read it **[The one thing my mother did well is not stop me from reading whatever I wished, whether it be true blood or harry potter. I can't imagine what this would feel like, and I truly do feel sorry for these kids]**. BUT that is why I am writing this **[The term 'writing' is used in its most literal definition here]**! So they can have all the adventure and good morals of the Harry Potter books without all that bad stuff that is bogging it down **[The morals you're imputing so far are worse than whatever is advocated in the books]**. I mean, Matthew 3:12, am I right?! So, without further ado-on to chapter two =) _

**_ [Ahem, Matthew 3:12: "His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor and gather his wheat into the barn, but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire.” So basically you think that, by taking out the 'witchcraft' you're burning away the bad parts. Isn't that what christians thought when they went after 'witches' too?] _ **

"Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles?" Harry queried; _**[6]**_ and clasped his hands. Just at hearing that name, he felt such a sense of inner peace _**[Just like I feel tremendous inner piece when I hear the name 'Darwin']**_. He wanted to have more of that peace; **_[7]_** and he wanted to learn how to be a good Christian-he was starting to think that peace and being a good Christian were in fact the exact same thing _**[Absolutely, yes, Christians are all so peaceful. They weren’t the ones who went on the crusades or established the Inquisition, or burned people alive for being witches, or founded the KKK, etc. In fact the entire wiki article on christianity and violence is wrong with absolutely no basis on reality]**_! "I want to go there _**[I don't]**_!"

Hagrid beamed widely _ **[Dare I hope she's let off on using adverbs?].**_ He had been praying so hard to save a soul today; **_[8]_** and he was so happy to have saved the soul of such a sweet, earnest little one _**[Well the verdict’s in folks: My soul is forever damned]**_. The poor boy, being raised by two parents ** _[I'm not sure I'd qualify the Dursleys as parents]_ ** who were not Christian _ **[It’s such a tragedy really. But you know what’s worse? Being raised by a Christian to believe that you’re going to hell for not being straight]**_ ; _**[9]**_ and who both went to work and left him with a babysitter all day long **_[Never mind that Petunia stays at home to care for her Ickle Didikins. Wasn't this book just supposed to get rid of the witchcraft?]_**. It was a good thing Hagrid had got here in time _ **[Too bad no one like Hagrid wasn’t around to save me. That way I wouldn’t have turned into a faithless heathen. OH WAIT]**_. Five years down the road, Harry might have been a fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist _**[At least us fornicating, drug addicted Evolutionists tend not to insult others because they don't share our opinion]**_!

"Don't be silly, Harry," Aunt Petunia commanded; **_[10]_** and wrung her long, bony hands. "Come back inside; **_[11]_** I will read to you about Evolution from the Dawkins ** _[Is Dawkins' book being given the same regard as The Bible here? We've been over this evolution=/=religion]_**. You do not need that silly religion."

Harry scrunched up his innocent little face **_[Gee and here I was thinking he had a big devious face!]_** ; **_[12]_ ** and thought very hard **_[This is how toddlers 'think hard', not 11 year olds]_**. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were as close to parents as he had; **_[13]_** and this was the only home he knew ** _[That never stopped canon Harry. In fact he nearly ran out of there when given the chance]_**. Could he really leave? But-he was saved now ** _[Why use a '-'? Stop fucking up punctuation already]_**. He had prayed the Sinner's Prayer **_[That doesn’t make you Christian. Just like going to the church a few times a years doesn’t exactly make you Christian]_**. He could not stay here not anymore not with what he knew now **_[It’s truly a miracle how my mother can stand having a ‘fornicating drug-addicted evolutionist’ in her midst. It’s almost as if she understands not everyone can follow her path]_**. Suddenly, he knew what he had to do.

_** [I've read children's picture books more complicated than this] ** _

"No, Aunt Petunia," he uttered calmly **_[Halfway through and we're only at 2 adverbs, my hope is blossoming]_ ** with childlike wisdom **_[Typically children aren't very wise so I don't know what you're getting at here]_**. "Evolution is not real **_[Your imaginary person in the sky isn’t real and neither is the talking snake]_**. And I am going to Hogwarts."

"No, no, Harry," Aunt Petunia screeched desperately _**[Did I say blossoming? I meant wilting]**_. "I have an idea. You can have a second birthday today. You like birthdays **_[What do birthdays have to do with anything? I’m confused]_** , right?"

"Birthdays are not of God ** _[What? No one tell my mother this, I quite enjoy having a birthday]_** ," Harry verbalized knowingly **_[So much for hoping there are less adverbs]_** ; **_[14]_** and looked at his aunt with an innocent wisdom ** _[It's not 'a wisdom' it's just 'wisdom'. It's a mass noun, you can't count it]_**. "You tried to corrupt me; **_[15]_ ** but it did not work. But I forgive you, Aunt Petunia; **_[16]_** because of Luke 23:34."

_** [Luke 23:34 'And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And they cast lots to divide his garments'. I get that Jesus, as the son of god and, later, god himself can say that, but you puny little mortals don't have the same knowledge here so get off your high horse] ** _

Hagrid was amazed once again at the wisdom of little ones _**[It's a shame my teachers weren't this amazed with my ~~very very faulty~~  unconventional approach to maths]**_. He did not know if he could forgive someone who had hurt him as much as this woman had hurt little Harry ** _[If this were canon, I’d agree, however Petunia doesn’t seem too bad to me here? I mean she’s a bit too hostile towards religious people in my opinion (live and let live) but she hasn’t HURT Harry to my knowledge]_**. Deny him the truth [Oh… Right…]? Who could be so cruel _**[EIGHTEEN YEARS that’s how many years I’ve been privy to ‘the truth’, you know what it did to me? Turned me into a ‘fornicating drug-addicted evolutionist’]**_? But Harry did not even think twice about it. He forgave-just like that! Truly, Hagrid gained a new understanding of Matthew 19:14 that day.

**_ [Matthew 19:14 'but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven"'. Oh boy I would not want to go to heaven if it's ruled by children. Sure it would be fun for a few hours but after that? Chaos] _ **

"Do not leave, Harry!" Dudley wailed childishly _**[Hold up, when did Dudley start existing? Not to mention Dudley didn't exactly like Harry at 11]**_.

"I must," Harry said; **_[17]_ ** and stepped over the threshold. "Goodbye, Dursleys. I hope you are saved too one day."

And with that, he and Hagrid began to walk down Private ** _[*Privet]_** Drive.

"How will we get to this school, Hagrid?" Harry queried curiously **_[Do you have any idea how incredible awkward that sounds???]_**.

"We will pray," Hagrid retorted knowledgeably ** _[What?]_**.

"How do we do that?" Harry solicited inquisitively _**[I bet that thesaurus was tough to digest]**_.

_** [There's no need for a dialogue tag at every line unless there's a change in tone or a new character is introduced] ** _

"Watch," Hagrid said; and then got down on his knees on the road _**[That doesn’t seem very safe what with potential cars and all. I suppose god will save them though]**_. He motioned for Harry to get down on his knees too. Hagrid raised his hands to the heavens; **_[18]_** and cried out in a deep, thunderous voice, "Dear Lord, take us to Hogwarts _**[More like ‘Dear Lord, please let them be run over']**_!"

Harry felt himself being whisked away **_[I suppose the Lord can't reveal to us puny mortals the secret to teleportation on a mass scale right? No? Well, I tried]_** ; **_[19]_ ** and in a moment, he was sitting in the cool, damp grass outside a humongous, beautiful castle. He looked in awe at the tall towers and the gray stones. What a beautiful place _**[What a riveting description!]**_!

A tall, thin man with a long, pointed beard and big, wire spectacles _**[I don't think the image of Trelawney's movie glasses is quite what you were aiming for]** _ stood in front of Harry. He was wearing a brown, tweed suit and a nice, matching hat **_[What’s with all the hats?]_**. His shoes were made of leather and polished until they shone. He had a smile much like Hagrid's smile _**[Again with the robot talk. Choppy sentences are great. All readers just love them]**_. So peaceful, Harry just knew he could trust him! A lovely, kindly young woman with flowing blonde hair and a pleasant, heart-shaped face stood beside this holy man.

"Hello, there, little one," the man greeted amicably. "I am the Reverend Albus Dumbledore, and this is my wife, Minerva _ **[NOPE, nu-uh, NOTP. Dumbledore and McGonagall are best buds thank you very much. Get this romance crap outta my face]**_. Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"

_ Author's Note: Blessings! _

**_ [Semicolon count: 19. Well I suppose it's an improvement over the last chapter] _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got all the verse from the English Standard Version, and I assume the basic meaning of the verse is the same as all the other versions that exist.


	3. God Has Become A Personal Chef

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry has his very first family meal after living with the Dursleys for his 11 first years of life because atheists are bad and don't believe in families eating all together.

_Author's Note: Hello, friends! I have struggled a lot about whether or not to keep going with this story; **[Not even a sentence in and there's already unnecessary use of the semicolon. This started off well]** but, with a lot of praying, my husband and I have decided it is the right thing to do **[You mean this could’ve ended with two chapters and it didn’t? God truly IS dead…]**. We want our little ones to have good, Christian literature to read **[And good, Christian lit also includes demonising atheists]** ; **[2]** and in this modern world, sometimes, that can be hard to come by! So I will just have to make do =) _

"Pleased to meet you, Reverend Dumbledore," Harry replied enthusiastically; **_[3]_** and got to his feet. "This sure is a beautiful place you have here!"

The Reverend beamed. "Why thank you, little one!" His voice had a distinctive southern twang _ **[It’s not like Dumbledore is british or anything. Input from a friend: Stop. Just, please stop]**_ to it that made Harry feel so safe and welcome _**[When I hear a southern accent all I can think about is texas, which doesn’t make me feel particularly safe and welcome]**_. He knew in that moment that the Reverend was a man of God _ **[So you need to have a southern accent to be a man of God? Selective much?]**_.

"This poor little one was being raised in a terrible situation," Hagrid declared concernedly _**[My spellcheck's telling me this is indeed a word but I am having trouble believing it]**_. "He was watched by a babysitter every second of the day _**[Hagrid was there for a whole of 20 minutes, not more, with both his guardians present and NO MENTION OF A BABYSITTER. So, where is this coming from?]**_. His aunt saw him as part of her perfect life package **_[There is twisting the canon to fit your story and then there is THIS. You think PETUNIA DURSLEY saw HARRY POTTER as part of her PERFECT LIFE PACKAGE???]_**. Like the big house, the fancy career, the speedy car."

Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "Too bad no one told her: parenting should be about the children. Not the parents. That is why it is called parenting _**[I grew up with both parents working for a good chunk of my life and I like to think I turned out pretty decent. Better than a few Christians out there actually]**_!"

Hagrid nodded wisely.

Dumbledore turned to Harry and announced authoritatively **_[This usage of adverbs is what I'd expect from the author of My Immortal but even she doesn't overuse them]_** , "Now, you can start your classes tomorrow morning. Today, you can get settled into your dormitory. But first, why don't you eat dinner with my family and me?"

"Really?" Harry gasped excitedly _ **[*heavy sighing*]**_. "I've never had a family dinner before ** _[Those evil atheist, never all sitting down to have dinner together in 11 years]_**!"

"Why don't you come with us, then!" Dumbledore cried kindly; ** _[4]_** and then got down on his knees. Everyone else did the same. Raising his large, massive, manly hands **_[A description of manly hands seems very appropriate in a so called children's tale]_ ** up to the heavens, Dumbledore bellowed in a voice even louder than Hagrid's had been, "Lord, please take us to the kitchen _**[When did Christians become this lazy??]**_!"

Suddenly, they all found themselves in a tasteful _ **[The ONE time there should've been an adverb there]**_ , decorated kitchen! **_[Since when has teleportation been in the bible??]_**

"Wow!" Harry shouted in awe. He was still getting used to the power of prayer ** _[Was God busy or something when I prayed to stop my family moving to another country? If he can be bothered for this, I’m sure my request should’ve been a priority]_**! Sometimes, we take the wonderful things the Lord gives us for granted; **_[5]_** and it takes a newcomer to the fold for us to understand just how blessed we are! "That was amazing!"

Hagrid smiled knowingly. "God is an amazing guy."

"He sure is ** _[Good ol' God! Yeah he's such a great guy, comes around every sunday for brunch and stuff!]_** ," the reverend's wife chuckled, before getting down to her knees and raising her own hands upwards. "Dear Lord, please set the table with the sky-blue cloth and the Sunday dishes ** _[It must be really expensive to be properly religious if you need a different set of dishes for each day of the week]_** , and please give us biscuits fried golden brown and gravy, creamy mashed potatoes, my great aunt Eleanor's corn casserole, corn on the cob slathered with butter, and for dessert, some chocolate raspberry cookies ** _[I haven’t been a follower for a few years but I’m sure this isn’t how god works. In fact it’s the other way around: you give god offerings]_**."

All of these things appeared on the table exactly as the reverend's wife had asked for them, masterfully prepared and delicious-smelling. Harry's mouth dropped open. Truly, this woman was a real Proverbs 31 wife ** _[Now according to this proverb, a woman is suppose to rise early to prepare the food but the reverend's wife (I refuse to call her by her given name, deal with it) asked for the food and it appeared. Since she didn't prepare it herself, she's not a 'real proverbs 31 wife'. You tried]_**!

"Hermione!" The reverend summoned loudly _ **[Generally 'summoned' implies you do it loudly or at least in a way that will be noticed so I believe that, in this case, 'loudly' isn't necessary]**_. "Dinnertime!"

Immediately, and with cheerful obedience **_[Does anyone else get the feeling they're trying to turn the kids into pod people?]_** , an eleven-year-old girl in a pretty, pink dress with a matching bow came running down the stairs _**[But Grace-Ann, how will people know Hermione is a girl? Why, by dressing her up in the most girly clothes I can think of Brigitte!]**_. She ran over to her father; _**[6]**_ and gave him the winning smile that daughters have _ **[Sons can't smile like that, only daughters can. Sorry I don't make the rules here]**_.

"Welcome home, daddy!" She smiled, and then turned to his wife. "Can I help at all with dinner, mommy?"

"It is all prepared, thanks be to God," her mother retorted **_[I shall refer you back to chapter 1 where I explained the use of retorted, spoiler alert: it's not this]_** gracefully. Hermione nodded knowingly _**[How do you nod knowingly????]**_.

"Hermione, I would like you to meet Harry Potter, our newest student at Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles," Dumbledore introduced magnanimously. "Harry, I would like you to meet Hermione Granger _**[Why is her last name different?]**_ , my beloved daughter."

_**[ mag·nan·i·mous** _

  _ **maɡˈnanəməs/**_

_**adjective** _

  1. _**very generous or forgiving, especially toward a rival or someone less powerful than oneself.**_



_**a. How do you introduce someone 'magnanimously', and b. so basically you're implying Hermione (or Harry it can go either way) is Dumbledore's rival?]** _

 "Pleased to meet you," Hermione responded sweetly, with an shy grin.

Harry could barely respond. This was the most beautiful young woman he had ever come across _ **[Let's keep in mind: both Harry and Hermione are 11].**_ So different from all the girls in public school; **_[7]_ ** who were focused on trying to be like the career women they saw on The Sex and the City ** _[As far as careers go, they aren’t terrible role models]_**. This little one was the picture of innocence and godliness _**[Remember kids: you can’t be innocent and godly if you want a career for yourself]**_.

_**[So basically what's being implied here is that striving to have a career a. Corrupts you, b. Makes you ungodly, and c. Has an actual physical effect on you. My mother, career woman and religious nut extraordinaire, begs to differ]** _

"Now," Dumbledore pronounced genially _**[I see the thesaurus is still in your system]**_ , "let's eat!"

As the holy men, women, and little ones dug into the delicious manna the Lord had granted them; **_[8]_** the conversation amongst the adults turned to darker topics. Harry listened intently; _**[9]** _ and he did not understand it; **_[10]_** but he was very interested. _ **[And to think that the lack of semicolons was going so well...]**_

"Dark days are coming," Hagrid pronounced gravely around a mouthful of casserole **_[Much manly]_**. "Evil forces are coming into this world; _**[11]**_ and the little ones at Hogwarts may be our last resort!"

"Psalm 127:5," Dumbledore referenced solemnly, and the others around the table nodded knowingly. Hogwarts might be the last hope for the forces of good in this world _**[What will the world DO without Hogwarts to save it??]!**_

_**[Psalm 127:5 'Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.' So, if I'm interpreting this correctly, children are compared to arrows which implies they're weapons. I'm not very comfortable with that]** _

_Author's Note: Blessings!_

**_[Semicolon counter: 11. This is progress guys!]_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to read Proverbs 31 then I'll direct you [here](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+31%3A10-31&version=NIV)  
> because it was WAY too long to insert here. It basically lists what a woman should do in order to be proper/virtuous/godly/etc (or at least that the interpretation given in the text)  
> And, if you're interested in why I think this chapter has a bad interpretation of it I suggest [this](http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/stop-obsessing-about-proverbs-31-woman) article which was very informative.


	4. Voldemort Is Into Politics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In an effort to make Hermione and Harry appear as innocent as possible and call out sex outside marriage, Grace-Ann successfully managed to make me think solely of that while the pair walk back to Harry's dorm. I don't see how this could've been a bigger failure

_Author's Note: Hello, friends! I apologize for being gone for so long-one of my little ones came down with pneumonia, so of course, my life has been nothing but doctor's appointments and chicken soup-and that's on top of all the other work a mommy has to do **[God this is so sickly sweet I'm disgusted]**! I had nearly forgotten about this little story of mine when I sat down to catch up my email and-lo and behold!-there were dozens of messages from this lovely site._

_Now, of course, there were some hateful messages that made me very sad, but for every review posted by an Evolutionist **[Only evolutionists dare criticise this masterpiece]** with a bee in his bonnet **[Bees are lovely creatures and it’s people like you giving them bad rep. I bet you tell your children bees are evil]** , there were three lovely private messages from other mommies out there, thanking me for doing the Lord's work. Wow! I know when the Lord is telling me something **[Could you possibly be misinterpreting what he’s saying? For all I know, there could be a connection issue, I doubt he’s telling you to continue]**! So, here is another chapter for all you mommies out there, and all you non-believers spreading hatred-well-let's see if you aren't converted by the time this story's over =) **[My mother will build you a shrine if I’m converted]**_

When the delicious, filling dinner had ended, Harry wiped some last, tasty cookie crumbs from the sides of his mouth. He was very full-and very tired. Discovering the Truth, being saved, and coming to Hogwarts-it had certainly been a long day for this little one! ** _[I am starting to hate the phrase 'little one']_**

"You look like you could use a good night's sleep," the reverend's wife commented daintily _**[You could just say 'commented'. You don't NEED 'daintily'. One the bright side, I'm reconsidering ever using more than 1 or 2 adverbs per page on anything I write in the future]**_. "How would you like to move into your dormitory?"

"I would love to!" Harry cried cheerfully. He was so excited to become a student here; **_[Here we go... 1]_** and he was so grateful for the opportunities the Lord had given him. Sometimes, people who have done without are the most grateful **_[That's because this is, so far, a christian utopia and not at all a reflection of christian reality]_**!

"Hermione, why don't you show our newest student to the dormitory?" Dumbledore suggested wisely.

"I'd love to, daddy," Hermione replied obediently with an innocent, girlish smile **_[Tumblr has ruined the word 'daddy' and this is just making me so, SO uncomfortable]_** ; **_[2]_** and got to her feet; _**[3]**_ and smoothed out the skirt of her becoming, pink frock. "Should I clean the kitchen first _**[You really shouldn’t have an 11 year old cleaning the kitchen. I'm all for kids helping with chores but at 11? They're more of a risk if anything]**_?"

"I can take care of that tonight," the reverend's wife answered indulgently _ **[You could've said 'the reverend's wife indulged' plain and simple]**_ ; **_[4]_ ** and she was already beginning to clear the elegant, porcelain dishes **_[Since good ol' God set the table, why not ask him to clear it too?]._**

"Thank you, mommy!" Hermione shouted gratefully; **_[5]_** and she walked over to Harry. "Would you please come with me?"

Harry blushed shyly _ **[As opposed to blushing boldly]**_ ; **_[6]_** and got to his feet. His aunt had never taught him how to talk to pretty girls _**[Maybe because that's not something you teach an 11 yo??]**_. She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn't care about her looks **_[Hilary Clinton, ANNA WINTOUR (You just try and tell me she doesn't care about her looks), Angela Ahrendts, Taylor Swift, Peng Liyuan, Elizabeth Holmes, Foloruncho Alakija, and Lee Boo-Jin all beg very much to disagree]_** ; **_[7]_ ** but it only took one look at this godly young girl to realize just how wrong that was ** _[Ugh]_**! A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord _ **[Hermione is ELEVEN, stop implying girls need to care about their appearance so young]**_ ; **_[8]_** because after all, it is the Lord who gave her a pretty face and nice hair ** _[That's all women are: a pretty face and nice hair. This text is filled with such great values!]_**. Taking care of that is important! Harry got the feeling that Hermione was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.

The two little ones stepped out into the brisk, chilly night; **_[9]_ ** and for a few minutes, they were both silent. Harry did not think it was possible for this sweet, demure girl to be as nervous as he was _**[Ugh STOP MAKING THEM OUT TO BE AWKWARD BARELY-TEENS ON A FIRST DATE]**_ ; _**[10]**_ but going by the silence, perhaps she was a little nervous herself **_[Canon Hermione who barged into Harry and Ron's compartment on their first train ride, begs to differ]_**!

After a few minutes, Hermione welcomed shyly, "Welcome to Hogwarts! It is a wonderful place; ** _[11]_ ** and we really are so glad to have you here."

Harry's face reddened as they crossed an expansive, flowery field. They were going in the direction of a cluster of imposing, stone, academic-looking buildings. "Thank you," he muttered happily. "It is beautiful; **_[12]_** and it feels very holy."

"It is," Hermione commented enthusiastically; ** _[13]_** and her chocolate-colored, carefully curled **_[WHY DID ANYONE BOTHER TO CURL AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD’S HAIR?!]_**  tresses were bouncing along with her steps. "My father is a very godly man; **_[14]_ ** and to spread the word of the Lord is his greatest dream."

"Truly, that is a noble dream," Harry responded gravely with wisdom beyond his few years _ **[I've come to the conclusion that Harry is, at times, an 11 year old and, at other times, a wise old man. He should really get that checked].**_

They walked for a few more minutes in silence. Eventually, they reached the end of the lovely, green meadow.

"The boys' dormitory is this way," Hermione exposited ** _[I had my doubts about this but it is in fact an actual word. And, of course, it's not used correctly here]_ ** knowingly; ** _[15]_** and, with the innocent, casual affection so often found in children, she grabbed Harry's hand ** _[Stop trying so hard to make them seem casual and not sexual. THE MERE FACT THAT THEY'RE ELEVEN IS ENOUGH]_** as she led him around the edifice of classrooms ** _[Ummm I thought they were going to the dorms?]_**.

Harry was so nervous; _**[Admittedly that the best use of the semicolon so far but it makes this sentence choppy so I'm still counting it]**_  he could not think of anything to say. His brain fumbled for the perfect, Christian thing to say;  ** _[17]_ ** but, before he could even manage a word, Hermione came to a stop in front of a tall, stone tower.

"This is the boys' dormitory," the devout ** _[I don't need to be reminded she's religious every few minutes, I know she is]_** young woman explained kindly; **_[18]_** and she gestured to the heavy, oak door beside them. "I would show you inside; **_[19]_** but I would hate to cause a scandal **_[God forbid an ELEVEN YEAR OLD GIRL hang out with other kids HER AGE IN THEIR ROOMS. Jesus Christ it's like she's purposefully trying to sexualise them or something]_**."

"I understand," Harry declared graciously. Too many young men these days pressure young women into things undesired and forbidden ** _[THEY!!! ARE!!! FUCKING!!! ELEVEN!!!]_**. It is the mark of a true, old-fashioned _ **[Because the olden times were just so great]**_ gentleman to respect the fact that every young woman is another man's future wife _ **[a. She just implied are property. That's just, wow, I'm at loss of words here, b. She could be another woman's wife too. Does that not figure in your doctrine? Too bad sweet cheeks, the world doesn't revolve around your bible]**_. And we all know that it would be a dreadful, terrible sin to bring another man's wife into intimacy **_[There was necrophilia in My Immortal and I got through that with a lot more ease]_**. Why does modern culture suddenly treat that as okay simply because he does not have her yet **_[Oh, I don’t know, because she’s a person who can choose to have sex without being married AND NOT A MAN'S OBJECT]_**? Man's laws may permit it; **_[20]_** but the laws of the Lord are not bound by time **_[The laws of the Lord include not eating shellfish. Tell me again how I should follow them?]_**.

Hermione moved to push open the imposing, large door, but she struggled with the knob. It was quite a heavy door _ **[The she struggled with the door not the knob if she was struggling with the knob it means the knob was stuck in some way]**_! But Harry was a good, devout Christian now. He would not have a young, godly girl struggling to open a door which he was perfectly capable of opening himself **_[Jesus Christ Almighty]_**!

With the simple faith so often seen in little ones **_[Little ones who can't think for themselves and are raised to sprout said faith]_** , Harry got down on his knees **_[Are. You. Serious?!]_** ; **_[21]_** and lifted his hands skyward; **_[22]_**  and shouted prayerfully, "Dear Lord, please open these doors; **_[23]_** and allow me to enter my new home!"

With a loud, thunderous boom that echoed throughout the expansive, beautiful campus, the doors crashed open **_[Well that was a tad bit dramatic]_**. Harry stood up piously ** _[How do you stand up piously??? All the priests I've met (and I've met a lot) don't have a specific stance]_ ** as Hermione's jaw dropped. Now, she knew for certain that this was truly a man _**[*CHILD]** _ of the Lord!

Harry was about to step inside when Hermione grabbed his arm. He blushed once more ** _[Harry wasn't this bad with Cho...]_**.

"Wait, Harry!" Hermione uttered quickly. "There's something you should know."

"What is it?" Harry queried questioningly _ **[The use of 'questioningly' is redundant]**_.

"My father says that dark times are coming," Hermione spoke worriedly ** _[I think I'd prefer if there weren't any dialogue tags. I'd prefer trying to figure out who's speaking over having to deal with these adverbs]_**. "There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy all that we stand for. He is pushing an agenda in congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely."

"But that is what our founding fathers built this nation for **_[Nope. That is not what the country was founded on. Read the constitution]_**!" Harry cried indignantly. "The freedom of religion!" _**[Yes, to practice YOUR religion YOURSELF. Not impose it on everyone else. In fact the founding fathers defined the US as S-E-C-U-L-A-R nation]**_

"Voldemort doesn't care," Hermione remarked sadly; **_[24]_ ** and she shook her head. "And he is gaining power. The freedom of Christians to practice our faith is disappearing by the day **_[Bull. Shit.]_**. Soon, it will be like it was in Rome **_[It's so obvious you don't know shit about the Roman Empire so let me clarify this: While christians were initially persecuted, in 313 AD the religion was legalised and then it was later adopted by Constantine as the emperor's (and, by extension, the empire's) official religion after 325 AD. Do your research]_**." Lovely, ladylike tears **_[We can't have Hermione crying manly tears now can we?]_ ** began to roll down her delicate, terrified face. "And I don't like lions!"

"It will be alright," Harry reassured manfully ** _[*sigh*]._** "We will just need to pray really, really hard! That's why we're here, after all."

"You're so brave," Hermione pronounced admiringly; **_[25]_** and she wiped the tears from her eyes. She flung her arms around Harry's neck. "Thank you for giving me courage!"

Harry patted her head before departing and entering his new home. It wasn't until the doors had closed behind him that he realized that he did not know where he was supposed to sleep! The tower consisted of an old, stone staircase winding up the steep, sacred walls; **_[26]_** and there were doors leading into each bedroom off of the stairway corridor. Harry felt very lost for a moment, but a quick prayer showed him the way!

As he collapsed into his bed, very tired from such an eventful day, he thought about the days that were coming. It was truly a good thing that the Lord had called him when He did!

**_[semicolon counter: 26. It was going so well...]_ **


	5. There's A Right Kind Of Christian And It's Not Catholics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Grace-Ann introduces Ron (a Catholic complete with ALL the stereotypes) to Harry who, after being a christian for about 24h now, can successfully quote the bible to point out why this type of faith is supposedly wrong, to Dumbledore who thinks he can just go around giving women less bacon because of their gender.

_Author's Note: Hello, friends! I'm very sorry if this chapter is a bit shorter than usual; **[1]** because just as soon as one sick little one gets better; **[2]** wouldn't you know it; **[3 in a SINGLE LINE??]** another one starts running a fever. Whew! A mommy's life sure is exhausting. I wasn't planning on posting another chapter until things had settled down; **[4]** but the hubby says the work of the Lord doesn't wait for the whims of men **[But in the last chapter the Lord was all for bowing to the whims of men]**. So you can all thank Ephesians 5:22-24 **[Yet ANOTHER verse I just want to erase from existence]** for the speedy update =) Ooh, and on that note-some of you lovely readers have requested me to write down the Bible verses after each chapter. Well, far be it from me to not spread the Word of the Lord! _

_Another question I have gotten-in the "original books", Harry Potter and friends frequently question authority; **[5]** and how do I feel about this? Well, that is quite a toughie **[Who uses the word 'toughie' past the age of 10?????]** you've asked me! I talked to the hubby about it; **[6]** and we agreed that usually, it is good to obey authority ; **[7 semicolons and we're still in the author's notes]** but when authority is acting contrary to the Lord; **[8]** you should talk to that authority about it **[Laws > The bible]**! Acts 5:29 **[A few days ago I read an article about an american inmate who wrote his own bible and has gained the right to have wine and two days off. Does[this](http://www.rawstory.com/2015/07/court-sides-with-virginia-inmate-who-says-his-religion-requires-wine-and-two-days-of-sabbath-rest/) case count too?]**! You just might see authority figures making bad decisions in this chapter-nobody is perfect except the Lord; **[9]** no, not even Dumbledore, no matter what "the original books" told you **[The original books don't say Dumbledore is perfect, he's criticised pretty heavily towards the end]** -and how Harry Potter handles this will be a big question in the story. Hint: it will be very different than the "original books!" **[Why is 'original books' in quotation marks?? Do I need to bring Ross in to teach you how to use them?]** _

_And finally-I got a "PM" from a lovely friend who was a bit confused; **[10]** so I'll just clear this up now: I do not own the "original books"; **[11]** and those belong to JKR **[Thank god for that]**! _

_So, without further ado-_

Harry Potter woke up drowsily in a comfy, fluffy mattress. It was only now that he had the energy to observe his surroundings. The room was small but also everything a little boy needed; _ **[Is this a CORRECT use of the semicolon? Hell must have frozen over]** _ there was a big, warm fire place _ **[They have a fireplace in EVERY room?]** _ in the grey, stone wall across from him; _**[12]**_ a shelf of intelligent, age-appropriate books-the Holy Bible was in the center of the shelf, of course _**[The bible is absolutely age appropriate, what with the non consensual incest and all that]**_ -and there was a simple, wood dresser of respectable, school-appropriate attire _**[The wood dresser was made of respectable school appropriate attire?]**_ ; _**[13]** _ and of course a clean, porcelain sink for washing up and brushing teeth and such.

It was only then that our hero noticed that there was another bed in the room **_[Okay now I'm very confused as to how this room is laid out]_**. It was the same as his own bed; _**[14]** _ except that this other bed had not been made **_[OH NEIN!]_**. Also, this bed had its own Bible in it; **_[15]_** and it looked different from the one on the shelf _ **[This just in: there are different editions of the bible]**_. But where was this new roommate of his?

Harry looked behind him to see a small, pallid young boy with shockingly bright red hair kneeling with seeming piety as he prayed to a small statue. At this shocking sight, Harry felt a horror _**[Do evangelists not pray to icons, statues, the like?]**_ ; **_[16]_** but he quickly composed himself; **_[17]_** and declared bravely, "Hello, friend! My name is Harry Potter; _ **[18]** _ and I take it that we are roommates. What's your name?"

"Ronald Weasley," the other boy responded friendlily ** _[*is disgusted by adverb*]_** ; **_[19]_** and he reached out a hand to shake. "Welcome to Hogwarts. I am a Christian, too."

"Really _**[Really Harry this should be obvious. Yo both go to this christian school. This is why you're not in Ravenclaw]**_?" Harry exclaimed delightedly; **_[20]_** and clasped his hands together. "This is joyous news!"

Ronald smiled deviously; **_[21]_ ** and Harry remembered that he had just seen this boy praying to a statue; **_[22]_** and he wondered why that would be; _**[Did someone challenge you to use as many semicolons as you could manage without making it look weird at first glance?]**_ but he was new to this whole Christianity thing; **_[24]_** and maybe that was okay. Still, it didn't feel quite right. He bravely resolved to would bring it up with Dumbledore.

"Would you like to come with me to breakfast?" Ronald queried politely; **_[25]_ ** as he got up from the statue he had been kneeling in front of. "They have delicious food here in the Great Hall."

"Would I ever!" Harry cried delightedly; **_[26]_ ** and he bolted out of bed; **_[27]_** and brushed his teeth; ** _[28]_ ** and washed his face. This little one certainly had a healthy appetite **_[*loud desperate groans*]_**!

In a jiffy, Harry and his new friend had joined the stream of young lads on the steep, winding stairs heading to breakfast. They could smell the aroma of breakfast from the Great Hall; _**[29]** _ and it wafted right into their noses **_[As opposed to wafting right into their asses]_**! Before they knew it, they were all sitting in the Great Hall **_[Did they pray-teleport there?]_**.

"Come sit with me and my family," Ronald offered eagerly; ** _[30]_** and he motioned frantically toward a table packed full of people with hair just as red as his ** _[Grace-Ann how can you have Harry sit with gingers? Everyone knows they have no soul]_**. "Come on come on come on **_[One 'come on' is enough]_** ; ** _[31]_** I can't wait for them to see that I have made a new friend!"

Harry followed Ronald with the obedience of one who does not have many friends in a new situation ** _[Whaaaaaa???]_**. Oh, what a difficult circumstance that can be **_[Um, not really?]_** -and how many believers have been led astray by those situations ** _[Because they follow their new friends??]_**!

"Guys, guys, guys!" Ronald screeched joyously **_[Is there really a need to describe every utterance with a damned adverb?]_** as he pulled Harry toward the table of his family. "This is Harry Potter; **_[32]_** and he is my new roommate."

"Hello, Harry!" the Weasleys chorused in unison. "Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"

"H-hello," Harry stammered shyly. Something about this group made him nervous _**[Gingers will do that to you, you can see the lack of soul in their eyes]**_. "Nice to meet you."

He sat down at their table. He could smell a delicious breakfast-but where was the food?

No sooner had the thought crossed his mind when the Reverend Dumbledore came onto the Great Hall's stage ** _[stage??]_** ; **_[33]_** and dropped down to his knees **_[If I didn't know better, I'd say something has a kneeling kink]_** ; **_[34]_ ** and raised his hands skyward; _**[35]**_ and screamed, "Dear Lord, please provide these devout young ones with three strips of bacon or links of sausage each-two for the ladies **_[Say what???? What is this??? Do you know what would happen if you tried to pull that shit with my sister? She might very well eat you instead. Bunch of sexist nuts...]_** -a bowl of hardy oatmeal flavored with cinnamon and apple chunks; **_[36]_** two poached eggs cooked all the way through; _**[a simple comma is enough you know]** _ home fries seasoned with garlic **_[For breakfast?]_** ; ** _[38]_** a glass each of orange juice and milk ** _[That's a terrible combination]_** ; **_[39]_** and dishes up to the task."

**_[can we all just take a moment to picture this, and I mean really REALLY picture Dumbledore on his knees asking for this food]_ **

Harry was once again amazed to see the food appear in front of him **_[So wait, you smelled the food before but it only appeared now? Hmm right]_**. The food looked and smelled amazing. He suspected good old Minerva had something to do with this delicious spread _ **[a. A single person can't cook for an entire congregation, b. Dumbledore just called on the lord for the food, not his wife, c. If b is the case, it just got a lot easier to be a christian wife]**_!

But before he dug into the food; _**[40]**_ he remembered that he had something to discuss with the reverend. Harry fought his nervousness; ** _[41]_** and he ran after Dumbledore as he hopped dexterously off of the stage.

"Excuse me!" the young believer cried innocently as he ran after the reverend as fast as his little legs could carry him. "Excuse me, reverend!"

"What is it, son?" the reverend reiterated kindly ** _[Dumbledore didn't reiterate anything because 'reiterate' means to repeat something]_**. He was dressed respectably in sturdy, manly jeans _**[As opposed to dainty womanly jeans]**_ and a red, white; _ **[42]**_  and blue plaid shirt **_[‘MURICA!!]_** over which a few virile tresses _ **[I googled 'virile tresses' and among the pictures was[this gem](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_QLP9zgbvWCg/SrdgyKG8iFI/AAAAAAAAAjM/nerGA41SOQo/s320/Fabio.jpg)]** _ were visible; _**[43]**_ and a pair of admirable, brown cowboy boots. "Are you settling in alright?"

_**[See? Dumbledore can't POSSIBLY be gay!! He wears MANLY JEANS and has VIRILE TRESSES]** _

 

"I sure am," Harry retorted graciously ** _[Harry's coming off as a little shit with all this supposed retorting]_**. "How are things with your family?"

"Very well," replied Dumbledore knowledgeably; _**[44]**_ and he was impressed with this little one's manners **_[Yet another baseless implication: Atheists don't teach their kids manners. I'll have you know that my father grew up in an atheist family and his manners are on point]_**. "Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Well," Harry began uncomfortably; _ **[45]** _ and he scuffed his blue-sneakered ** _[That's most definitely not a word]_** foot against the polished wood floor of the Great Hall **_[The Great Hall's made of stone]_**. "I woke up this morning and saw my roommate praying to a statue. Is that really an okay thing to do?"

"That is a real toughie _**[What are you? five?]**_ ," Dumbledore answered ponderously **_[Why not just say 'pondered'??]_**. "Well, I don't worship idols. It is, in fact, a very un-Christian thing to do **_[The orthodox church begs to disagree]_**. But you see, here at Hogwarts, we divide ourselves up into Sorting Hats **_[Um... okay...?]_** After breakfast, all the new little ones will choose their Hats. Each of the different Hats have different beliefs; **_[46]_ ** but we all love the Lord! And what more in common do you need?"

"That does sound true," Harry pondered sensitively ** _[My sighs are earning me weird looks from people]_**. "But is it really? It seems that, if we all really love the Lord, we don't need to divide ourselves. Are the divisions between the different Hats really so significant as to merit dividing Christianity _**[This sentence makes no sense. The different hats don't divide christianity, it's christianity is divided INTO the different hats]**_? What are these divisions?"

"Well, they are somewhat significant," Dumbledore allowed tentatively. "For instance, I am a Gryffindor Hat. We believe everything in the Bible; **_[47]_** and only the Bible _**[If you believe in the bible, why are you wearing different threads? Someone hasn’t read Leviticus]**_. That redheaded roommate of yours is a Slytherin Hat _ **[Something tells me the Slytherins are supposed to represent Catholics].**_ "

"And Slytherins worship statues?" Harry queried innocently.

The reverend nodded gravely.

"Then how are they Christian?" Harry questioned skeptically. "What about Exodus 20:4-6 **_[So Harry, who had never heard of Christianity until the day before, can succesfully quote the bible? Seems plausible]_**? That's a ten commandment **_[This is just bad english]_**!"

"Well, they have different commandments," Dumbledore explained well-meaningly _**[This- You- No you can't just slap a '-ly' at the end of a word and expect it to work as an adverb. That's not how english works]**_. "They love the Lord; **_[48]_** and that is all we need."

"But do they really love the Lord?" Harry posited timidly. "If they do; **_[49]_** then why do they worship statues?" **_[Being raised in an orthodox environment, I can tell you we didn't worship statues, we worshiped what the statues represent: the saints (in most cases). I imagine this is also the case for catholics]_**

"Dark days are coming," Dumbledore replied earnestly. "We need to be inclusive. If there were only Gryffindor Hats at Hogwarts; **_[50]_ ** then there would not be many people left."

"I see," Harry conceded uncertainly as he walked back to Ronald's overcrowded table _**[Is there a specific reason you seem to be against the idea of this big family? Is this more catholic-bashing or something?]**_. He was getting nervous about this Hat business; _**[51]**_ but he supposed he did have to trust Dumbledore. After all, grownups know best, right **_[Never take that for granted. Ever]_**?

_Author's Note – Blessings!_

_Ephesians 5:22-24: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing._

_Acts 5:29: Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, "We ought to obey God rather than men."_

_Exodus 20:4-6: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; and shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments._

**_[Semicolon counter: 51. I am disappointed Grace-Ann, I thought last chapter was just a slip up]_ **


	6. You Can't Be Protestant And Vegetarian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his talk with the Reverend, Harry discovers the differences between the different hates aka Why the Gryffindor hats *cough* Protestants *cough* are the best and everyone else sucks

_Author's Note: Hello, friends! I apologize to people who's private messages I haven't been able to reply to; **[1]** but things are awful busy here in Fort Parsons **[I would bet several organs she's from one of the southern states]** ; **[2]** and a mommy's work is never done **[I'm afraid of how well you'd get along with my mother]!** Many thanks to those lovely friends who have asked about the little ones. It looks like the second sickie **[I hate the way she speaks. I just hate it]** did not have pneumonia after all; **[3]** and it was just the flu. It was a rough few days; **[4]** but now all the little Parsonses **[That's not how you pluralise your name. It's just 'Parsons']** are in tip-top shape **[Unfortunately for us...]**. Phew! _

Harry Potter walked back to the table of redheads. It was only now that he noticed that they were all wearing black and green baseball caps with snakes on them _ **[Canon Weasleys would be appalled]**_. Tentatively, Harry sat down next to Ronald; ** _[5]_** who was not wearing a hat; _**[6]**_ since he, like Harry, was new.

"So," Harry began nervously; _ **[7]** _ and he bit into a thick, juicy slice of perfectly fried bacon. "What Sorting Hat do you think you will chose?" _**[This Sorting Hate business is just so weird]**_

"Oh, I will definitely choose Slytherin," Ronald declared confidently; _**[8]**_ and he began to eat his oatmeal with his hands _**[Because Catholics, like us atheists, are uncivilised and can't use cutlery]**_. "My whole family is Slytherins _**[*Slytherin]**_ ." He gestured to the countless redheads sitting at the table _**[a. Unless it includes the extended Weasley family I doubt you should be using 'countless', b. You sound just as bad as the people who say 'I can't tell East Asian people apart. They all look the same to me']**_ ; **_[9]_ ** and they all turned to Harry and smiled and waved. "You should become a Slytherin, too! We could do it together!"

"Hm," Harry uttered ponderously _ **['Why don't you just say [insert single word here]' is going to become my new catchphrase]**_ ; _**[10]** _ and he took a bite of eggs. "Why don't you tell me about what Slytherins believe?"

"Sure!" Ronald replied ecstatically; **_[11]_** and he kept eating his oatmeal. "Well, first of all, we believe in the Bible."

"That is wonderful!" Harry reacted happily; **_[12]_** and he took a sip of his orange juice. "I do as well. Perhaps I could be a Slytherin after all?"

"But wait-that is not all!" Ronald continued excitedly; _**[13]** _ and washed his oatmeal down with milk. "Gryffindor Hats believe in the Bible, too. But Slytherins have even _more_. We have a book full of guidelines on how to be a good person, and a whole panel of Slytherin Hats to tell us what to do ** _[Remember kids: If you have a certain hierarchy in your church, it's not the right kind of church]_**."

Harry furrowed his innocent, childish brow ** _[But Grace-Ann how can Harry be childish and manful at the same time??]_** ; **_[14]_** and he took another bite of oatmeal; _**[15]** _ and he questioned confusedly, "Why do you need all that if you have the Bible?" _**[Because the bible, like any book, can be interpreted several ways]**_

Ronald guffawed; _**[16]**_ and he shoveled more oatmeal into his mouth ** _[I feel the need to point out that I've never heard of a stereotype that says Catholics can't use cutlery]_** ; _**[17]** _ and he replied, "Why only have the Bible when you can have more? Why, that would be like only praying to God!"

Harry gasped in horror as he bit into more bacon **_[How does gasping and biting at the same time work out?]_**. "Of course I only pray to God! Who else would I pray to?"

"What about Mary?" Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. "You have to at least worship to her!"

_**[pos·it** _

_**ˈpäzət ( verb)** _

_**past tense: posited; past participle: posited** _

  1. _**assume as a fact; put forward as a basis of argument.**_




_**So Ron couldn't have 'posited' that question]** _

"You mean the mommy of Our Lord?" Harry demanded in scandal; ** _[18]_** and he chewed his bacon. "I don't worship her?" **_[Why is it a scandal? If you're going to worship Jesus it only makes sense to extend part of the same courtesy to his mother. She did, after all, give birth to him]_**

"Well, then, God hates you!" Ron stated simply; ** _[19]_** and pieces of bacon flew out of his mouth as he did so. ** _['Oh you're not my brand of christian? I'll just make you an uncivilised brute' Grace-Anne muttered as she wrote the next line to her story]_**

Harry was tentative; _**[20]**_ since he was new to this whole Christianity thing _ **[And yet you only acknowledge that when it suits you]**_ ; _**[21]**_ but he did not think God would hate him for not worshiping His mommy. On the contrary: **_[It takes exactly 3 seconds to google the proper use of punctuation. THREE SECONDS]_** he had a hunch that God wanted people to only worship Him **_[This just in: God’s an attention whore]_**.

"Don't listen to him," commented a drowsy voice self-righteously from behind Harry.

Harry turned around; **_[22]_ ** and he saw a girl about his own age. Her pale yellow hair was tied into braids; **_[23]_ ** and she wore a tie-dye shirt and faded jeans and flowers in her hair _**[Lets play a guessing game called 'Which Christian sect is going to be stereotyped this time?']**_. "Peace" signs and donkey patches were sewn all over her clothes **_[She's a democrat who's against war and we can't have that now can we?]_**.

"You should not become a Slytherin Hat," the girl continued confidently; _**[24]**_ and she was eating what looked like it was supposed to be bacon; **[25]** but it did not smell or taste like bacon. It missed that smokey, meaty taste that bacon is supposed to have ** _[I assume you have experience in these matters since you seem to be compensating for something with all this 'divine food' business]_**. Instead, it tasted like vegetables blended together and died red. Yuck! Harry would take real bacon over that any day of the week _**[Don’t hate on vegetarians, bitch]**_. "They are far too strict."

Harry hmmed **_[Not a word. Learn to use actual words first before inventing new ones]_** skeptically. He was not sure about this whole Slytherin business; **_[26]_ ** but the word "strict" was not what came to mind!

"You should become a Hufflepuff Hat," the girl instructed arrogantly ** _[I wouldn't describe Luna as arrogant]_** ; _**[27]**_ and continued to nibble at her breakfast. "That's what I'm going to do."

"What do Hufflepuff Hats believe in?" Harry pondered aloud; **_[28]_** and he took a bite of his real bacon **_[Because fake bacon is evil. EVIIIIIIIILLLLL I tell you]_**. Oh, how he wanted to find the true Hat!

"Hufflepuff Hats believe in the Bible; **_[29]_ ** but only some of it," Luna **_[Did I miss the part where she gave us her name?]_** explained casually; **_[30]_** and she was still feeding on that stuff ** _[What is your problem with vegetarians?!]_**. "We don't believe in the stuff against fornication and drinking and socialism ** _[I might be wrong because I haven't read the bible but I'm pretty sure you could label Jesus a communist which, in the states, is generally worse than being a socialist. Remind me again how it's banned in the bible?]_** ; **_[31]_ ** but we really like Matthew 7:1; ** _[32]_** and that's about it ** _[That right there is one of the few verse I accept]_**. We're really fun and we seem really nice and really tolerant as long as you agree with us _**[Um, Grace-Ann, dear, I hate to break it to you but you seem to also favour the 'we're nice and tolerant until you disagree with us' approach]**_!"

That was when a derisive laugh echoed through the cafeteria **_[I must've missed the part where they were teleported to the cafeteria]_**. A smug-looking young man about Harry's age with slicked-back hair even paler blond than Luna's and wearing a sweater vest and khakis strolled languidly down between the rows of tables.

"Please, ignore this fool," Draco **_[He hasn't introduced himself so, technically, we shouldn't know his name]_** drawled smugly. "Luna here _ **[See NOW she can have a name in dialogue tags, not before]** _ thinks she can have a career even though she's a woman; **_[33]_** and women are stupid." ** _[Is that what he tells his mother who stood up to Voldemort himself?]_**

Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!

"Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly _ **[*squints suspiciously at screen*]**_. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home _**[Breathe, Brigitte, breathe. Don't hurt the computer, you love the computer]**_!"

Draco gasped tentatively ** _[How do you gasp tentatively?]_**. "You are diluting the truth! Women are beneath men!" 

"No, I'm not!" Harry fired back bravely. "You are twisting the truth so you can be mean with it! Women are not beneath men! Men and women are just different!" _ **[Do I cheer him on or do I wait and see? That is the question]**_

Luna smiled at him gratefully.

Draco was clearly fumbling for ground here-there is not much ground to stand on when you are being hateful _**[Says the woman who depicted atheist as filthy, and Catholics as uncivilised brutes]**_!-but he finally came up with, "Well, at least I don't eat with Slytherin Hats! I hate Slytherins!"

Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal ** _[More like: 'Ron's face reddened and he snapped something equally snide at Malfoy]_**.

"I don't hate Slytherin Hats!" Harry declared boldly. "I think they should become Gryffindor Hats; **_[34]_ ** but that is because I _love_ them ** _[If you love them why are you trying to change them?]_**! Besides, the Lord ate with sinners _all the time_!"

"Thank you, Harry," Ronald whispered tearfully **_[He just called you a sinner and you're thanking him?? Does that mean all Catholics are supposed to be sinners?]_**.

"Well-well-you should just become a Ravenclaw Hat, like me," Draco sputtered blusteringly **_[My spellchecker and I are both having trouble believing this is and actual word]_**. "We really are the best Hat."

"I think you mean, 'We really are the most _hateful_ hat,'" Harry corrected cleverly ** _[I prefer open hate to your brand of hate Harry. At least they're obvious about it]_** ; **_[There goes my hope of escaping the torture of unnecessary semicolons early]_** and then he jumped up onto the table _**[On all the plates? Rude]**_ ; **_[36]_** and he got down on his knees; **_[37]_** and he raised his hands to the ceiling of the Great Hall ** _[They must have moved again]_** ; ** _[38]_** and he bellowed, "Dear Lord, I have made my decision! I am a GRYFFINDOR HAT!"

_Author's Note: Blessings!_

_Matthew 7:1 – Judge not, that ye not be judged._

**_[Semicolon counter: 39. Get your life together Grace-Ann]_ **

 


	7. Lions Are For Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter describes what follows after Harry so boldly declares he's a Gryffindor Hat, right before his hat follows Mr Snape and his chic chest hair out of the Great Hall

_Author's Note: Hello, friends! Phew, this chapter took longer to write than I'd thought it would. There is so much to be done here at Fort Parsons, some days, I don't think I'll ever get caught up. But now that the little ones are sound asleep, I'm finally getting around to putting the finishing touches on this little chapter. I apologize for the delay!_

_Now, there have been quite a few questions and comments coming in; **[I have cautious hope for this one since she waited 3 lines to put her first semicolon]** and I thought I should take time to address a few; **[2]** since I don't have time to reply individually. First of all, to all the mommies who have expressed their appreciation of this little story of mine: thank you! Your support keeps me writing. Remember, though-the glory is not mine; **[3]** it is the work of a greater cause **[I'm still maintaining there was some kind of communication issue between you and God]**. And the people who call me names: a Bible-believing Christian is like a big, ugly monster who lives under a bridge **[Not what they mean by 'troll']** ; **[4]** and wanting everyone to do the right thing and go to heaven makes one a so-called "bigot", hmmm? Well, that's this modern world for you **[You are, in fact, a bigot since you vilify not only Atheists (somewhat understandable) but also Catholics and, presumably, Orthodox believers. If anything I have more chances of going to heaven than you do at this point]**! And finally, to the people who say that I am "spreading hate"-take a look at some of the comments posted here; **[5]** saying that I am a terrible writer **[You are]** and a terrible mother whose children will hate her one day **[I would]**. Who is it who is spreading hate here? Because I don't think it's me **[Actually it's still you]**! _

The Great Hall burst into applause as a red and yellow baseball cap with a lion embroidered on the front appeared on Harry's head. He hopped deftly off the table and landed on his little feet ** _[No big manly feet for Harry]_**. He could feel the love of the Lord surging through him; _**[6]** _ and he knew he had made the right decision.

He was even more sure of his decision when Hermione dashed across the cafeteria to give him a big, spontaneous hug. She too was sporting a red and yellow baseball cap; **_[7]_ ** although her cap had a kitten on it instead of a lion. **_[Of course Hermione can't have a lion. Lions are for MANLY MEN]_**

"I'm so happy, Harry!" she cried gladly ** _[ugh...]_** , delicate tears streaming down her face ** _[I think I would have an easier time accepting it if she was just crying delicately because I don't see how tears can be callous]_**. "When I saw you eating with that family, I was so scared. I thought you might become a Slytherin." 

"Never worry about that," Harry declared boldly and bravely. "I am a Gryffindor, now and forever."

"Well chosen," Dumbledore declared approvingly as he took long, energetic strides **_[Because he's full of MANLY energy]_** to cross the crowded, noisy room. "Welcome to the Gryffindor Hat, Harry!"

Harry beamed happily _**[You don't generally beam when you're sad so 'happily' is redundant here]**_. Truly, he had been blessed! As he sat down to finish his breakfast; **_[Guys I think we're making some progress]_** and he was still glowing from joy; _**[9]** _ he sat back next to Ronald.

"Will you still be my friend, even though you are a different Hat?" Ronald asked timidly. 

"Of course!" Harry declared generously; _**[10]**_ and he began to eat his eggs. He had expected his eggs to be cold by now-what with all the hullabaloo-but lo and behold, they were still piping hot. He would not pretend that what Ronald believed about worshipping the dead _**[Does this phrase make sense to anyone else?]**_ ; **_[11]_ ** but he could still offer the young boy friendship in the spirit of Matthew 2:16-17. **_[Okay, I got it, Catholics are sinners. Well at least I'll have plenty of company in hell]_**

"Thank you, Harry," Ronald uttered happily. He may have been sporting a green and black hat with a snake on it; ** _[12]_ ** which testified to his Slytherin beliefs; **_[13]_ ** but he could recognize Harry's pure-hearted godliness, generosity, humility, and innocent goodness **_[This just in: Unless you belong to the same religious sect, it's hard to tell if someone else is a good person or not]_**. He looked around at his siblings, all of them wearing hats identical to his; **_[14]_** and he wondered why none of them were like that _**[News flash: People are DIFFERENT].**_

"Attention, students," Reverend Dumbledore announced authoritatively as he hopped onto the stage; **_[15]_** and he held the microphone by his mouth.

"Congratulations on picking your Hats," he continued kindly. "I am sure you have all chosen wisely."

Harry hmmed to himself. He knew that the Reverend meant well; ** _[16]_** but was it really doing the members of the other Hats much good to tell them that everything was the same when it wasn't **_[Not a bigot huh?]_**? Wouldn't they all be happier if they knew to read the Bible and take it seriously **_[Nope. Because the bible includes the Old Testament and, boy, Leviticus is a treasure trove of bannings]_**? Dumbledore thought he was making everyone happy; **_[17]_ ** and perhaps he was in the short run; _**[18]**_ but in the long run, Harry worried that he was doing more harm than good _**[Harry 'I've been Christian for about 24h now' Potter can make these kinds of conjectures]**_.

Harry did not say anything; _ **[19]** _ because he was new to the flock and didn't feel confident in his connection with the Lord. But sometimes, it takes newcomers to point out the flaws we don't see in our own communities ** _[Can I point out flaws in yours? Pretty please?]_**.

The reverend clapped his hands against each other once; **_[20]_** and then he spoke enthusiastically, "Now, you will be sharing most of your classes with other members of your Hat; _**[21]**_ so it would be good for you to get to know them now. Ravenclaw Hats, please gather around Mr. Moody **_[Is 'Flitwick' too magical of a name for you?]_**. Hufflepuff Hats, please gather around Mr. Sprout _ **[Are congratulations on the transition in order?]**_. Slytherin Hats, please gather around Mr. Finnegan ** _[Seamus heads the Slytherins? Does he know??]_**. And Gryffindor Hats, please gather around Mr. Snape **_[Say whaaaaaa????]_**."

Now, at the beginning of the breakfast meal, Harry had noticed, a tall, mysterious-looking man with long dark hair and gaunt, enigmatic features. He was dressed stylishly in a crisp, black suit; _**[22]** _ and his tie made a shock of red in the otherwise totally black outfit. The dark hair on his pale chest was neatly trimmed but still noticeably thick **_[Um why is Snape wearing a shirt that shows off his chest hair? Why are you describing the chest hair in a CHILDREN'S TALE? Who trims their chest hair? Is this a hint to your husband?]_** ; and he wore elegant, black leather shoes on both of his feet **_[Only Protestants wear 2 shoes, the rest of us heathens only wear one]_**. It was now that he noticed that, on the table that this man was sitting at, was a placard that said on it, "Mr. Snape."

Harry followed the other brave young children wearing Gryffindor Hats.

_Author's Note: Blessings!_

_Matthew 2:16-17 - And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with publicans and sinners, they said unto his disciples, How is it that he eateth and drinketh with publicans and sinners? When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, "They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."_

**_[Semicolon counter: 23. It IS progress!]_ **

 


	8. More Like 'Hogwarts School For Pod People'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Snape introduces the young ones to the harshness of the real world: dark forces are gatherign to specifically destroy Gryffindor Hats and Voldy is working with the Slytheirns

_ Author's Note: Hello, friends! Things have finally calmed down a bit here at Fort Parsons; **[Goddammit from the very first line]** and I am so excited to share with you all another new chapter. One thing I would like to talk about, though; **[2]** many people have been calling me a "misogynist". That means "woman-hater". Friends: I do not hate women! I am a woman **[That's... That doesn't mean you can't be a misogynist...]**! Now, what is it I have done to have people calling me this? Well, apparently, it is saying that women are loving and nurturing and good **[I'm thinking it's more because you said women should submit to their husbands, or perhaps it was that badly disguised rant you went on where you said women should be respected purely because they're someone's future wife. Sound familiar?]**. Right-how hateful! I'm just a big old mean bigot, huh? Wait-wrong **[Not wrong]**! That is not a bigoted thing to say at all! _

_ Now; **[3]** it is certainly true that what is written in the Bible about women was used as an excuse to actually be hateful to women. And that is terrible **[Robot sentences]**. And there are some people out there who think all women are stupid or "less than men". Friends: this is not what I believe at all **[Does anyone else want to ducktape her mouth? It's just me? I don't believe you]**! I believe that women have special gifts that are no less than men. In fact, I think that; **[4]** if womanly virtues were respected more; **[5]** the world would be a much better place to live **[Again: let's not respect women because they're goddamned people, let's do it because we think they naturally exhibit a certain set of virtues]**! And any of those so-called Christians who hate women and think women are stupid and worth less than men and that God doesn't respect us; **[6]** well, they will all get a very serious talking-to from a certain housewife ;) **[That certain housewife should have a talking-to from a certain Brigitte, mind you]** _

_ Now; **[7]** does that sound misogynistic to you? **[I'm not even going to deign to answer that]** _

Harry Potter walked nervously over to the table of Mr. Snape. The other little ones wearing red and yellow hats did the same. Mr. Snape silently stood up; **_[8]_** and he motioned with his head **_[Now that's a fun image: Snape twitching his head to indicate the children should follow him]for the boys and girls to follow him]_** ; **_[9]_ ** and he sauntered out of the Great Hall.

He led them into a small classroom with a few desks in it ** _[Wait, how small is this group?? Is it only the newly chosen hats? Is it everyone? Don't leave me with questions you can't answer Grace-Ann]_**. He silently motioned for the little ones to sit down at the desks. They did. He stood up at the blackboard in front of them. _**[You are truly a master of description in prose, I applaud you. I can only hope to one day reach your level]**_

"Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles," greeted the older but still handsome _**[Man? Creature? Vampire? Bat? There's a noun missing here]**_ in a dignified, rugged way amicably **_[You can't just... *heavy sigh* *deep breath* That's not how you string words together in english. It should be: 'in a dignified, rugged and amicable way' which only marginally better, really, but I'll take what I can get I suppose]_**.

The little ones all sat in respectful attention.

"So you have all chosen the Gryffindor Hat?" Mr. Snape queried; **_[10]_ ** and he raised his eyebrow. **_[No they haven't which is absolutely why they're all wearing the Gryffindor hat]_**

"Yes, Mr. Snape," chorused all the students together. ** _[*whispers* They're turning into Pod People]_**

"Well," Mr. Snape said; **_[11]_** and he drew his tall, strapping form up to its full, impressive height _**[Canon Snape is described as being shorter than Sirius so I wouldn't exactly say his height is 'impressive']**_ , "I would like to say that your choosing will make you happy; **_[12]_** or that your lives will be easy; ** _[13]_** but I will not lie ** _[That's the spirit! Crush their little 11 year old hopes and dreams]_**. There are dark forces in the world; **_[14]_** and they do not like Christians **_[OH NEIN NOT THE DARK FORCES]_**. And when I say Christians; _**[15]**_ I mean Gryffindor Hats **_[Discriminatory much?]_**. They love the Hufflepuff Hats; **_[16]_** because the Hufflepuff Hats believe everything these people say and slap the label "Christian" onto that philosophy **_[This just in: there is only one valid interpretation of the bible and it's the literal one]_** ; **_[17]_ ** and so the Hufflepuff Hats make it easier. The Ravenclaw Hats, these people claim not to like; **_[18]_** but then they pretend that the Ravenclaw Hats' extremism applies to all Christians; **_[EIGHT semicolons in SIX LINES]_** so the Ravenclaw Hats help them **_[The Ravenclaws do what now? I'm confused by this last bit]_**."

Harry frowned confusedly _ **[I find myself mirroring Harry's actions]**_. After the Reverend's acceptance of all the Hats; **_[20]_** he wondered why Mr. Snape was addressing things so directly. He found Mr. Snape's honesty refreshing; ** _[21]_ ** but he also wondered-was the honesty also combined with the hate for others that he had seen in Draco's Hat? **_[Probably]_** He thought the other Hats were wrong; **_[22]_ ** but he did not want Mr. Snape to hate them for being wrong! **_[But you call them sinners and you hate sin so, it follows, you would hate them too]_** He wanted to help them **_[Ah that good ol’ Christian sentiment of ‘let’s force our religion down other people’s throats to ‘help’ them’]_**!

"And then, of course, is the Slytherin Hats. The Slytherin Hats will tell you we are all on the same side because they agree with Gryffindor Hats on some things. But do not be fooled! Their leader is working with…..Voldemort **_[EVEN HERE the Slytherins get bad rep, EVEN HERE]_**!"

A shocked, horrified gasp echoed throughout the classroom. Harry slapped his hands over his mouth in an attempt to contain his horror; **_[23]_** but he was still shocked. His new friend not only worshipped a goddess _ **[Don't Protestants have saints? Don't you worship the saints too?]**_ ; **_[24]_** but he was also now in cahoots with Voldemort **_[You literally know jackshit about Voldy except what the others have told you. You should probably look things up for yourself, Harry]_**?! The little ones all gasped again; [25] this time, they were even more horrified **_[Why did they gasp again? At what were they more horrified? All these questions and no answers]_**. From the back of the room, a clean-cut, respectably dressed young boy raised his hand.

"But what about the Constitution?" Dean Thomas questioned articulately. "Doesn't he care about the First Amendment?" **_[Here we go again. Say it with me Grace-Ann: the first amendment of the constitution exists to allow EVERYONE'S  freedom of ANY religion, not just yours and it doesn't allow you to impose your religion on other people like you seem to want to do]_**

Mr. Snape shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid not. And Voldemort is working through him **_[Him as in himself? Him the leader of the Slytherins? Does this story even make sense to you, Grace-Ann?]_** and using them all. Before long: all our freedoms will be gone ** _[Um... No?]_**."

Dean Thomas raised his hand again; **_[26]_** and queried coherently, "But why does Voldemort hate Christians so much?" _**[I can think of a dozen reasons just off the top of my head]**_

"No one knows," Mr. Snape responded tentatively. "However-he is on the move; **_[27]_** and he is gaining power; **_[28]_** and we Gryffindor Hats may be the only ones capable of stopping him _**[*cough* Marie Sues *cough*]**_."

Harry was nervous; **[29]** but he clenched his fist determinedly. He was scared, but he was ready to face this evil! _ **[Harry never actively wanted to save the world, you know, in fact by the seventh book he pretty much hated it]**_

_ Author's Note: Blessings! _

**_ [Semicolon counter: 29. Disappointed yet again] _ **


	9. Your Friend Follows A Different Religion? Why, You're Practically A Saint For Putting Up With Them!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry, Hermione, Dean, and Ron are having a lovely meal in the great Hall when angels appear to bring the believers their mail, because apparently angels are now also postmen.

_Author's Note: Hello, friends! I apologize for how long it took to get this chapter out; **[1]** but-I have good news! Starting tonight, I will be taking a beginning writer's course at the local community college **[Oh thank god]**! Through all the hate from Evolutionists, Feminists, and Romanists **[Is it really so hard to say ‘catholics’? Why give the impression you’re talking about people studying roman civilisation and romance languages?]** , there has been some legitimate criticism of my writing skills **[What a FUCKING surprise]**. My mother did her best; **[2]** and she certainly did teach me a lot **[I shudder to think of what it look like before]** ; **[3]** but grammar was not her area of expertise **[If only it was just the grammar]**. It's taken some convincing-the hubby **[*?????????????????????*]** wasn't sure I'd have time to get everything done if I start taking this class **[Novel idea: He could help around too and let you do what you want]** -but I've written up a schedule; **[4]** and I think we can make it work =) **[Your hubby sounds like someone I would punch. Also a whiny baby]**_

One week into the school year, Harry was slowly, gradually _ **[You only need one of those]**_ starting to get used to the everyday routines at Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles. There was breakfast in the Great Hall every morning; **_[5]_** and then there was a prayer session led by the Reverend (the Slytherins went off to have their own "prayer sessions" in their own way **_[So you're doubting they're actually praying because they're actually sinners, right?]_** ; **_[6]_** and the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws prayed with the Gryffindors; _**[7]**_ but the Hufflepuffs complained about the Reverend quoting the Bible **_[I complain when priests quote the bible. You know why? Because they quote Leviticus to show that christianism is against gay people and then they turn around and eat shellfish]_** ; **_[8]_** and the Ravenclaws complained that the Reverend didn't seem to really hate sinners; _**[9]**_ he just hated sin _ **[I can't figure out who the Ravenclaws are supposed to represent]**_ ). After the prayer session; _**[10]**_ the little ones all went to their classes-there were regular math and English classes, of course-although they were of a higher caliber than one would find in a Public School _**[Of course]**_ -and then there were Bible Studies and Christian History _**[*cough* propaganda *cough*]**_.

After that was lunch in the Great Hall. After lunch were more classes about American History ** _[*cough* more propaganda *cough*]_** ; **_[11]_ ** and Constitutional Law **_[a. Why are they studying constitutional law at 11? Do they even understand the concept of 'laws'?? b. And YET you still use the 1st amendment in the wrong way]_** ; **_[12]_** and Missionary Training _**[They probably don’t mean anything sex related]**_. After these classes was dinner in the Great Hall; **_[13]_** after which the students had free time.

It was just such a dinner that Harry was eating now. He was sitting with his new friends: Hermione, Ronald, and Dean Thomas.

"This food certainly is delicious!" Harry observed gratefully; **_[14]_** and he was savoring a bite of perfectly roasted chicken.

"It really is," Dean Thomas concurred intelligently **_[How do you even???? Ugh, whatever]_**. He was dressed quite respectably today; ** _[15]_** and he was wearing a button-up shirt and clean blue jeans **_[Different threads? That's a sin according to Leviticus so you're going to hell. Whoops]_** ; **_[16]_ ** and his hair was neatly combed.

Hermione nodded in agreement; _**[17]**_ and the yellow bow she had tied her hair back with bounced up and down.

Ronald grinned widely but remained silent as he shoved another handful of deep fried brussel sprouts _ **[What is this american obsession with deep frying E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G]**_ into his little mouth. Ronald ate breakfast and lunch with his family; **_[18]_** but he was eating more and more dinners with these Gryffindor friends of his. It never ceased to amaze him just how nice they were to him, even though he wore a different hat ** _[???????????]_**. A little unconditional friendship can really go a long way in a person's heart! _**[And yet all I've gotten out of offering just that is several philosophical lectures a week...]**_

It was then that a bunch of beautiful people with wings wearing glowing white robes swooped in through the Great Hall's huge windows. Yellow halos hovered over their heads _**[According to several descriptions, angels aren’t ‘beautiful people’. They’re[quite monstrous](http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/what-do-angels-look-like-a-biblical-analysis/) actually]**_ ; **_[19]_** and they wore brown leather satchels around their shoulders. They gracefully reached into their satchels and gloriously flung ** _[How do you gloriously fling something?]_** envelopes down to the students below.

"The mail's here **_[You have angels bring you your mail?!]_** ," Dean Thomas observed accurately; **_[20]_** and he shielded his eyes with his hand as he gazed up in wonder.

Harry propped his chin up on his hand and dreamily watched these magnificent postmen distribute their wares. He did so love to look at angels!

He was surprised when a letter fluttered down to him; **_[21]_** and it landed lightly on the table in front of him. He had never gotten a letter before! He smiled innocently at the angel who had delivered it; _ **[22]**_ and the angel waved back.

"Would you look at that," Dean Thomas uttered fluently **_[You haven't indicated he's anything but american at this point so why wouldn't he be fluent?]_**. "You got a letter, Harry."

With excited hands ** _[Wouldn't that make him drop the letter?]_** , Harry broke the seal and took out the parchment that was inside the envelope. He laid it out on the table and saw the familiar slanting tidy **_[No one’s ever described Hagrid’s writing as ‘tidy’]_** handwriting.

_Dear Harry-_

_How are you enjoying your first week at Hogwarts? I hope you are enjoying it a lot! How about you come over for tea this evening after dinner **[Last time I checked, americans don't do 'tea'. Are we back in the UK again?]** ; **[23]** and you can tell me all about it. _

_-Hagrid_

Harry smiled as he folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. Good old Hagrid!

"What does it say, Harry?" Hermione questioned shyly; _**[24]**_ and she played with one of her smooth, lovely curls ** _[It's like she's trying very VERY hard to make Hermione appealing to Harry all while cliaming the opposite]_**.

"Hagrid wants me to come over for tea," Harry reported excitedly. "Would you all like to join me?"

"I'd love to," Hermione replied sweetly.

"That sounds like fun," Dean Thomas responded eloquently.

"Could I come?" Ronald asked tentatively after he had swallowed his brussel sprouts _ **[He’s been chewing his Brussels sprouts this entire time??]**_.

Harry, Hermione, and Dean Thomas exchanged a knowing look **_[But? WHY?]_** ; _**[25]** _ and then Harry answered kindly, "Of course you can."

Ronald smiled gratefully before going back to his brussel sprouts **_[20 francs that her kids don’t like Brussels sprouts and she’s running out of ways to make them appealing]_**.

When dinner finished, Harry got to his feet; _**[26]** _ and then he declared boldly, "Let's go!"

_Author's Note: Blessings!_

**_[Semicolon counter: 26. It's progress. I guess?]_ **


	10. Hagrid Could Rival Trelawney

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following dinner, Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Dean go to Hagrid's for tea where they learn about how evil Voldy hates Christians

_Author's Note: Hello, friends! Sorry this chapter took so long to post; **[1]** but-the instructor of my new writing class was kind enough to proof-read it **[Oh poor person]** -I didn't take all of his suggestions, but I liked most of them-and I hope the wait was worth it **[Does this mean we’ll have less semicolons? *crosses fingers***! Oh, another thing-a few good-intentioned (but misguided!) readers have expressed "concern" about my asking my husband's permission to take a class **[I don’t think they’re misguided. You shouldn’t have to ask for his permission; you can ask for his input but, really, you’re your own person]**. Friends: it is not long ago that I would have thought the same thing **[What changed?]**. Culture told me that wifely submission was **demeaning [That’s because culture is right and you have every right to be his equal]** ; **[2]** and I believed it! All I will say is this: read Created To Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl. Life- (and marriage ;) **[*shudders*]** ) changer **[Otherwise known as: How to make your wife believe she doesn’t hold the same status as you do]!**_

Hagrid lived in lovely little house on the edge of the Hogwarts campus. The little ones arrived right on time **_[What’s ‘right on time’? Hagrid didn’t specify a time in his letter]_** , and the delicious smell of tea and cookies was wafting outside. Smiling in anticipation, they knocked on the door.

Hagrid opened the door and beamed down at them. "Welcome, Harry! I'm so glad you could come—and you brought friends!"

**_[I have to admit I’m very glad she had this proof read by her writing instructor. It’s actually much better than earlier chapters so far]_ **

"Indeed I did," Harry said, and gestured to the upstanding young fellow to his left. "This is Dean Thomas, a Gryffindor Hat."

"Pleased to meet you," Dean Thomas said intelligently. **[There goes my hope of not seeing an unnecessary adverb]**

Hagrid smiled at the little one, impressed **_[Why is he impressed?]._**

"This is Hermione, another Gryffindor Hat **_[Shouldn’t Hagrid know who Hermione is?]_** ," Harry said, motioning toward the girl to his right.

Hermione smiled shyly and waved. Charmed, Hagrid waved back. **_[Is it just me or does this scream ‘pedo’ to anyone else?]_**

"And this is Ronald," Harry said.

Ronald looked up sheepishly from where he stood behind the **_trio [Y u gotta break up my OT3 huh?????]_**. He could sense that Hagrid was truly a man of the Lord, in a way that no one in his family—or perhaps the entire Slytherin Hat— ** _was [*heavy sigh*]._** To be in the presence of such piety was humbling for a little one such as this. **_[Isn't Harry holier than Hagrid? It seems that way and Ron has spent a lot of time with Harry so he shouldn’t be that shocked really]_**

Hagrid noticed the green and black hat, but didn't comment. Instead, with true mercy and compassion **_[Because Slytherins are sinners, am I right?],_** he opened the door wide to all of them. "Glad to meet all of you. Please, come in!"

**_[There is a significant lack of semicolons]_ **

The four little ones filed in.

The inside of Hagrid's house was tastefully decorated. The curtains were plaid, the walls were wood, and a bear rug covered the floor in front of the fireplace **_[This couldn’t scream ‘lumberjack’ more if it tried]._** Mounted above the mantelpiece, in a place of pride for all to see, was a moose's head **_[I was wrong, it could]._** The oaken table in the center of the kitchen was set for five ** _[How did Hagrid know Harry would bring friends along? Last time I checked divination is witchcraft, is it not?]_** , and the kettle on the stove was just starting to sing.

"This is a nice place you have," Harry commented.

"It really is," Dean Thomas said intelligently **_[Is there a particular need to emphasize the fact that Dean speaks ‘intelligently’ every time he has a line of dialoge?]._**

Hagrid grinned with pride. "Thank you! I live by John 15:19 **_[I am trying very hard to understand how that verse has anything to do with how he lives, but I’ve got nothing. If anyone can explain this to me, please do]_** , of course, but I do try to keep it tidy."

Harry, Dean Thomas, and Hermione nodded knowingly **_[Why? Why are they nodding knowingly? Why would Hagrid trying to keep it tidy warrant this response? It’s normal to want to keep your house clean. Not many people like to live in a mess. No, not even atheists]._**

In a few minutes, they were all seated at the table while Hagrid passed out his famous chocolate-chip cookies **_[The ones that break your teeth in the canon]._** They munched on the delicious morsels **_[This may be just me but I always associate the word ‘morsels’ with meat (it might have something to do with all the fantasy books I read) so this image isn’t particularly appealing]_** as Hagrid poured the tea.

"How's school going?" Hagrid asked.

"Quite well," Harry replied.

Just then, the timer buzzed.

"More cookies!" the little ones cried in delight as Hagrid got up to get them.

While Hagrid was getting the cookies, Harry's eyes fell on a newspaper Hagrid had left open. The headline on the front page read, "VOLDEMORT SPOTTED AT HOGWARTS ** _?" [Why would that be a headline….? Unless it’s the school newspaper I suppose]_**

"Would you look at that," Dean Thomas murmured observantly **_[I’m guessing you didn’t listen to your instructor about the adverbs]_** , picking up the paper and scanning it. As he read, he whispered the article's terrible words: "Voldemort was spotted by several students yesterday at Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles. This is the man who is trying to put a bill through congress to stop Christians from practicing their beliefs. If passed, homeschooling will be illegal **_[Homeschooling =/= Christian schooling]._** Christians will be put in jail—maybe even killed—unless they say the Bible says what Voldemort wants it to say **_[This isn’t even remotely possible unless this takes place in a dystopian US]_** Saying "Merry Christmas!" ** _[Are you really trying to tell me the big corporations will stand for not making a profit off Christmas? You obviously don't know how the States work]_ ** or hanging up the Ten Commandments will put you in a "re-education program"."

When Dean Thomas was finished, Hermione burst into tears. Harry gave her hair an innocent, friendly pat. **_[Again with the emphasis on how they’re friendly]_**

"How could anyone be so angry at God?" Hermione sobbed ** _. [My money’s not on him being angry at god but rather him being angry at Christians. Let’s face it: the ones that get the most media attention in the US aren’t exactly people you’d want to hang out with in most cases]_**

"I don't know," Harry declared tentatively. "He's a horrible person."

Dean Thomas nodded sagely and muttered to himself in disgust, "First they try to change the Pledge of Allegiance **_[The concept of the pledge of allegiance is very creepy thank you very much. I mean they make you recite a pledge to your country every day for the majority of your schooling, how is that not dystopian? Sounds very North Korea like to me]._** Now they don't want us to be Christians. Next they'll be killing us all. It's a bad time to be a true Christian in America **_[You and Pat Robertson would get along famously]."_**

Ronald sat in guilty silence as he watched his new friends fearing for the future **_[Shouldn’t you be fearing for the future too? I mean you ARE a Christian]_**. He was beginning to wonder just what sort of Hat it was that he had chosen.

 _John 15:19 - If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you_.

**_[Semicolon counter: 2. My God this is it guys! We’ve made it!!]_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to apologise for not posting this yesterday. I don't really have an excuse for that.


	11. Apparently The Catholic Church Is Lying To Its Followers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and friends are concerned over Voldy until Draco's a dick to Hermione, and they set up a PRAY OFF

_Author's Note: Hello, friends! The writing class is going quite well; **[I actually believe that]** and I stayed after this time to talk to the teacher about my little story, which he has been so kind about helping me with **[Poor man]**. He has had lot's of very helpful suggestions; **[2]** and I truly think that I have been guided to this class by a purpose greater than my own =) **[It might just be your terrible writing skills]**_

_Another thing that I have gotten many messages about-the Slytherins. People are saying that, somehow, this means I hate Catholics **[It does come off that way, yes]**. Friends-I do not hate Catholics at all **[Stop lying to yourself, it’s not healthy]**! All I want is for Catholics and everybody else to go to heaven and be happy with God **[And they’re not going to heaven if they’re catholic? I think the Pope would disagree]!** Do you want to know who truly hates Catholics? The so-called Catholic Church **[Huh?]**. Ironic, hmm? **[No?]** But think about it-why else would they lie to Catholics about salvation **[Say what??]**? And did you know their leader is a Socialist? **[Some would argue Jesus was a communist which, in the states, is considered worse than socialism so…]** It seems like a certain someone doesn't know much about the Bible or the **Constitution [The Pope, who’s seat is in the Vatican, in Italy, on ANOTHER CONTINENT, has NO say on the laws in the US].** And what about there only being one God, and no others? **[Um… But… Isn’t that what you advocate for as well? I’m so confused]** So, if any Catholics are reading this….. I am asking you this in love… consider which is more important: your so-called religion, or the Truth? **[Actual feeling right now: *?????????????*]**_

Harry, Hermione, Dean Thomas **_[Is there a particular reason Dean is always mentioned with his last name?]_** , and Ronald all walked solemnly back to the main campus. They could hardly believe what they had just read. Voldemort, on their campus? What would they do if they ran into him **_[If you can pray to be transported to the kitchen, why don’t you prey he vanishes?]_**? They quickly went to their dorms and got **_[*went]_** to sleep.

The next morning, the four little ones sat together for breakfast. The spread today was truly delicious: fluffy scrambled eggs, crispy bacon **_[But less for the women, of course],_** home fries, grits, waffles, apples, orange juice, and ice tea. Truly, the blessings today were abundant! **_[The amount of food you get depends on how blessed you are? That doesn’t seem very nice on God’s part. Does that mean if he’s having an off day, you get less food?]_**

"I still can't believe Voldemort has been seen on our own campus," Harry whispered after swallowing a bite of bacon ** _. [Strictly speaking it’s not completely illogical. It would make sense for Dumbledore to invite him to the campus in order to persuade him not to outlaw religion]_**

"Neither can I," Dean Thomas commented perceptively **_[Why is Dean the one stuck with the unnecessary adverbs?]._**

"I'm scared," Hermione murmured, and fidgeted with her fork. "What if he tries to kill Harry?" **_[Why would he? Harry’s not a threat to Voldemort here last time I checked. He’s just a student among others]_**

"It will be fine," Harry declared boldly, and then gave her hand a reassured squeeze, and then they both blushed **_[Their friendship is shoved down our throats AND YET all their interactions point to a mutual crush]._**

"What are the four of you gossiping about?" a voice said. It was smug and it came from behind them **_[That didn’t need to be a separate sentence]._**

Harry turned around and he saw Draco standing behind him. Draco's hands were folded and rested on his stomach. Behind him stood a two other young men, dressed the same as Draco-tan pants, brown sweater vests, and white button up shirts.

"We were just discussing something we read in the newspaper," Harry said friendlily. "Would you like to join us?"

Draco chortled pompously **_[That actually sound like something canon!Draco would do]_** , "I think not. You may be comfortable dining with women outside of your family, but I am not **_[How do you live in the world with that attitude?]_**. I know that I am better than women. Why would I want to talk to one? **_[You expect me to believe Narcissa Malfoy puts up with this crap?!]_** "

Harry gritted his teeth. He had had enough of this! **_[You and me both Harry]_** So-called feminists these days call everything sexist. **_[Um…where do feminists fit into what Draco said?]_** A man respecting his woman and providing for her and giving her the children and home that she truly desires is called woman-hating **_[Did you ask said woman about it? Because my mother’s a devout Christian, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to work. Some women do want that, others don’t]!_** Such silliness can make us forget what real sexism looks like. The truth is-women are just as smart as men; **_[3]_** and God made us as their equals; **_[4]_** but equal does not mean the same; **_[I guess it’s fun while it lasted?]_** and when we treat men and women as being the same and tell women to go to work all day and forget about her true calling as a wife **_[Marriage is a social institution, it’s not innate to the human race. Get this crap out of my face]_** and mother; **_[6]_** then that is the real woman-hating **_[Hate to be the one to burst your bubble but a good number of women enjoy ‘going to work all day and forgetting about their true calling’]!_** And then there are people like Draco, who think that God messed up and made women worse than men. And neither is okay. **_[My eyes have been opened and I see the light. Truly. I will now make my first goal in life to find a husband and forsake my plans to be a top notch archaeologist]_**

"That is a mean thing to say!" Harry screamed bravely, and he banged his fists on the table so hard that the plates bounced. **_[Um rude]_**

Mr. Snape looked over in their direction and he saw the commotion that was going on at that moment. He was dressed very dapperly today in a freshly pressed dress shirt and practical pants that complimented his long, muscular legs perfectly **_[Snape’s legs aren’t something I want to think abou **t]**._** Above the top button of his shirt a hint of the thick carpet underneath was visible **_[Someone has an alarming fetish for chest hair. Is it because your husband doesn’t have any or has too much?]._** He carried with him a big, heavy, King James Version of the Bible as he sauntered across the cafeteria. **_[Can’t have these newer versions in understandable English. No, no!]_**

"What exactly is going on here?" he questioned, folding his arms over his chest.

"Nothing," Draco muttered in the embarrassed voice of one who knows he has done wrong, but Harry boldly and honestly retorted, "Draco was being a bully to the ladies!" **_[Canon!Draco would blame this shit on Harry in the blink of an eye]_**

With a gasp, Greg **_[Oh they have names!]_** covered his mouth with his delicate, long-fingered hands. "Detention, Draco! **_[Are you not going to get his version of the story? That’s unfair]_** We as Christians must be respectful of women and treat them with the gentleness they deserve **_[Because women are delicate little flowers that can be crushed with the slightest push]_** as our mothers and sisters and daughters **_[Not because they’re people but because they’re related to us]."_**

Mr. Snape grabbed Draco's wrist and led him out of the cafeteria. Harry smiled holily at the sanctimonious fool. Draco shook his fist.

"I'll get you for this, Potter! Tonight, after dinner, in the courtyard-we will have a pray-off!" **_[??????????????????]_**

_Author's Note: Blessings!_

**_[Semicolon counter: 6. I'll admit it's better than the first chapters but there are still unnecessary uses here]_ **


	12. The PRAY-OFF *dramatic music in the background*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and his friends sneak out at night to have a Pray-Off (I honestly can't say/think this without laughing) with Draco and we discover God supposedly loves Harry best, and that Draco could already be working with Voldy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really, REALLY sorry I haven't posted anything in so long. I could up excuse but I won't because no one wants to hear those so instead I'm promising to keep to my one chapter/day schedule like before and hope you guys can forgive me.

_Author's Note: Hello, friends! I had this chapter all ready to go a week ago after class last Saturday **; [Haven’t you learned that you don’t use semicolons this way in writing class?]** but then of course things got in the way like they always seem to. But now that things have (slightly!) settled down here at Fort Parsons **[It’s times like these when I’m glad not to be from the MIGHTY SOUTH]** ; **[2]** I thought I would finally post this._

The campus was dark when Harry, Hermione, Dean Thomas, and Ronald walked out of their dormitories. **_[Can’t they have a pray-off during the day? Why does it have to be at night?]_** It was completely silent, because all the other little ones were asleep **_[Like you should be. Kids don’t appreciate the value of sleep until it’s too late]_**. The bright, shining stars twinkled approvingly at the righteous young Christian trio. **_[I’ll tell you what I tell my mother when she goes through 3 different astrologers every day to get an ‘ accurate prediction’ : Stars and planets don’t give a single flying fuck about your scrawny little human ass (Okay fine I don’t speak this way to my mother but the message is there), so stop bringing celestial objects into this]_**

"I'm nervous," Ronald uttered shakily. "Isn't this against the rules?" **_[Canon!Ron would be appalled at this statement]_**

Harry, Dean Thomas, and Hermione exchanged a knowing look. **_[Hermione? HERMIONE GRANGER? Someone watched the trailer of the movie and then decided that was enough to have valid characterisation]_** It wasn't Ronald's fault. It was just how he had been raised. Slytherin Hats do not usually question authority. **_[And Hermione granger does, all the time, yes, of course. Real rebel that one, especially in the first book/movie]_** They think they just need to do what the head Slytherin Hats tell them to do. **_[And you don’t do what your pastor tells you? You question him? Is that why you discard the very possibility of evolution being real and turn it into a joke? Great way to question authority there, I should take notes from you]_** They never think that maybe the Lord's work is important. **_[But the ‘head Slytherin Hats’ does convey the word of the Lord? That’s literally the Pope’s JOB]_**

"This is the Lord's work," Harry explained patiently. "This is more important."

"That's right," Dean Thomas said wisely, and not a single word was mispronounced. **_[Which isn’t unusual since, you know, dean always says thing ‘ intelligently’ and is a native English speaker. Of course one could make a case that the southern American varieties of English have quite a few of mispronounced words. Oh but wait, is this a jab towards Northerners/African-Americans/British people? In that case fuck you and you prescriptivist ideals, language changes constantly]_** He had dressed quite respectably for the occasion. His face was scrubbed quite cleanly. Any mommy would be proud to have him for her son. **_[I wouldn’t, not if he’s the brain dead pod person he appears to be here]_**

"Oh," Ronald murmured wonderingly **_[What? Just, ugh, never mind]_**. He had never thought that anything could be more important than following rules **_[It’s okay canon!Ron, I’m sufficiently appalled for you]._** Not even the Lord's work. Ronald was starting to ask the big questions-questions which just might lead him to salvation. **_[Again with this salvation deal. Look, just because his religion differs from yours doesn’t mean he’s damned to hell, I’ll remind you your own religion was considered heresy when it first emerged]_** Just think what would have happened if Harry had not known to love the sin and not the sinner! **_[So that means Harry loves to sin? There’s hope for him after all!]_**

Just then, Draco stepped out from behind a tree. He was wearing yet another sweater vest **_[And this is important because? Do you frown on sweater vests too? Does nothing please you woman???]_** ; **_[3]_** and he was proudly sporting a Ravenclaw Hat.

"Well, well, Potter," Draco drawled smugly. "Looks like you came to the pray-off after all."

**_[I can’t, this is too much for me. Just imagine actual little shit canon!Draco saying this]_ **

"That's right," Harry answered courageously.

"Well then," Draco grinned self-righteously. "Let's pray."

**_[I’m getting evil looks from the other passengers in the flight for laughing loudly, guys. Look at what this is doing to me]_ **

Harry and Draco got down on their knees and raised their hands to the sky.

"I'll go first, because God loves me best," Draco declared confidently. **_[Sure he does]_** With that, he shouted, "Dear Lord, if you agree with me that women are stupid and Potter is wrong, please strike him down where he kneels." **_[Well this Draco doesn’t waste time, does he? Does that mean he’s working with Voldermort already here?]_**

Dean Thomas and Ronald gasped. Hermione began to cry. But Harry did not flinch. He knew that he was a man of the Lord. **_[How brave of you Harry]_**

Draco grinned viciously as he looked to the sky for a bolt of lightning; **_[4]_** but none came. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. He began to cry. **_[Because Harry didn’t die? Little bit of an overreaction if you ask me]_**

Now, it was Harry's turn to pray.

**_[Oh joy]_ **

He raised his hands far higher than Draco's had been **_[But they’re the same height at 11]_** ; **_[5]_** and he screamed, in a voice far louder than Draco's had been, "Dear Lord, if you agree with me that women are just as good as men but just different, please….." For a second he thought about asking for Draco to be struck down ** _[Well well, look at that, St Harry isn’t that saintly after all]._** But then he was overcome with mercy **_[Praise the lord]._** "Please make him a Gryffindor Hat!"

In that moment, the hat on Draco's head changed into a red and yellow one with a lion on it **_[He’s a MAN so he does get a lion]_** ; **_[The lack of semicolons was going so well! What happened??]_** and the tears rolling down his face were not sad tears. They were happy tears. **_[Why would they be happy tears?]_** The crowd of onlookers burst into applause **_[The crowd consisting of Hermione, Ron, and Dean? Really? ‘Crowd’??]_** ; ** _[7]_** but Harry did not notice all the cheering students and teachers **_[Um when did the others appear? Shouldn’t the teachers be dealing out detentions for students out of bed?]_**. He was bathing in the love of the Lord. **_[Of course dear]_**

_Author's Note: Blessings!_

**_[Semicolon counter: 7. I have a feeling we're going back to inserting them wherever]_ **


	13. The Cursed Descriptions Of Chest Hair Continue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the midst of celebrating Harry's victory in the Pray-Off, VOLDEMORT (*gasp*) makes an appearance at the school in an ECO FRIENDLY CAR (Oh noooooooo)

_Author's Note: Hello, friends! Many of you have notified me about the typo in the last chapter... Oops! **[The use of ‘love’ instead of ‘hate’? Shame you caught it]** I was feeling so confident in my newfound writing skill last class **[Which you shouldn’t be, yes your writing is marginally better but it’s nothing to brag about]** ; **[1]** and I didn't think I needed to ask the teacher to full proofread **[Sheer arrogance got me too]**. Once again: oops! I guess this just goes to show that Proverbs 16:18 applies to us all =) **[Hey if you’re good at something, there’s no shame in bragging about it. Please, go ahead. However bragging about having achieved a 13 year old’s level isn’t appropriate, I would think]** And that, friends is why this chapter is so late going up... I waited to post until Greg had had a chance to look over it in detail. **[What would your husband think of this casual use of Greg’s name???? *gasp*]** He says I am definitely improving **[Improving, yes, improving enough not to have it proofread by 50 different people? No]** ; **[2]** but he did still have some suggestions. Hope you all enjoy!_

The cheering crowd converged on the two righteous boys. **_[But Draco didn’t get his wish, how is he ‘righteous’? Oh he’s righteous because he’s a Gryfffingor Hat is he?]_** They were led by Dean Thomas, Hermione, and Ronald. Hermione reached Harry first. Joyful tears were streaming down her face and her lacy pink skirt was swirling around her legs. When she reached Harry, she wrapped her delicate arms around him in a chaste hug **_[As opposed to a sexual hug. We wouldn’t want an ELEVEN YEAR OLD hugging people in anything other than a ‘chaste’ way now would we?]_**

"I was so scared," she whispered tearfully.

Harry pulled away and patted her reassuringly. He told her, "There is nothing to be afraid of. Not when we are on the side of righteousness **_[That’s what the crusaders believed too, look at how that turned out]_**."

Hermione grinned admiringly. She exclaimed, "You're so brave!"

Harry smiled humbly **_[Hasn’t Greg told you not to use so many adverbs?]_** and blushed and rubbed the back of his neck like a shy schoolboy **_[But if they’re just friends why would he be doing that?]_**. He didn't know why, but he felt so different around her than other people. Perhaps it was because she was so godly. **_[Or it could be because you’re desperately trying to make them appear as having a prepubescent crush on each other]_** But Harry felt that it might be more than admiration that he felt. What was the word? He could not quite put his finger on it! **_[I believe the world you’re looking for is ‘romantic feelings’ which, strictly speaking, you shouldn’t be having at ELEVEN in this day and age]_**

Dean Thomas stepped forward and gave him a very polite handshake **_[How does one give an impolite handshake?]_**. "Amazing job out there," he commented intelligently. **_[Note to self: if you ever become a creative writing teacher, lesson n1 will outline how and when to use adverbs and semicolons]_**

Harry smiled humbly. "It was the work of a power greater than my own."

Dean Thomas shook his head in admiration at how humble Harry was being. Truly, a light was shining in this little one **_[If I have to read ‘little one’ one more time Imma throw something out of my window]_**!

Ronald was next in line. Tears were streaming down his face and his nose was running down to his chin **_[Are you making Ron turn into Voldemort? Because I don’t approve. AT ALL]_**. He wiped his face with a big freckled hand. **_[Isn’t he the least bit concerned his nose is slipping off his face?]_** He stuck out the other one for Harry to shake. Harry generously returned the action.

"That was amazing," Ronald sobbed honestly. "How do I be as holy as you?” **_[Is that even English? It doesn’t feel like English]?"_**

Harry, Dean Thomas, and Hermione exchanged a knowing look. "Maybe," they suggested, "it has something to do with the hat on your head."

**_[oh just stfu the lot of you]_ **

Ronald got a thoughtful look on his face. His many siblings that were too many for two parents to care for did not like the look of that **_[I legit did not understand what this sentence is supposed to mean. This is improving?]_**. All together, they walked over and grabbed Ronald and pulled him away. Harry, Dean Thomas, and Hermione were sad, but they hoped in their hearts that their words of truth would plant seed and grow. **_[Isn’t that a lovely basis of friendship: we’re befriending you because we hope you see reason and we want you to change]_**

But before they could think too much about that, a car pulled into the parking lot. It did not look like the car a busy mommy or daddy would _have **[aka it wasn’t a mini van that can seat 9 kids]**_. No, this was a small so-called eco-friendly **_[Who wants to bet she doesn’t believe in climate change either?]_** car. Harry, Dean Thomas, and Hermione looked at it suspiciously. **_[Mind you they’re suspicious at the small eco-friendly car not some government style SUV or anything like that]_** They did not know who would come out of it, but they got the feeling it would not be someone good. **_[All this from something that looks like a Prius]_**

The car stopped. The door opened. A man stepped out. He was tall and pale-skinned. He was a younger man **_[Younger than who? The kids? You said he’s a man so that can’t be right]_** , with only a thin layer of hair hidden underneath his shirt **_[Christ almighty I thought we were free of the chest hair descriptions]._** He was wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants and sneakers.

No one seemed to take much notice of him. But then the reverend's wife stepped onto the scene. She screamed. She fainted. **_[Why???]_** At the sound of her cry for help, the Reverend Dumbledore came running to the rescue. So many so-called "pro women's rights" people think that Ephesians 5:22-25 is just about wives being submissive. **_[Well it does, pretty clearly, say ‘submit to your husband’. Sometimes lit can be obscure but I wouldn’t say this is the case. Seems quite straitforward to me]_** What they don't talk about is that it also tells husbands to sacrifice for their wives **_[Running to help someone who’s just fainted is being a decent fucking human being; there’s no ‘sacrifice’ involved in coming to someone’s aid]_**. Wow! Does that sound oppressive? **_[The way it’s interpreted does come off as oppressive]_** When he saw the man who had gotten out of the car, he stopped and gasped and then he shouted, "Stand back, students! This is Voldemort himself!"

**_[OH NO. THE SUSPENSE. *clutches chest*. THE DRAMMMMMAAAAAAAAAA]_ **

**_[My sister adds: I'm sorry Voldemort stepped out of a small eco friendly car? Well that beats all my wild theories]_ **

**_[semicolon counter: 3. I stand corrected, there's obvious improvement here]_ **

_ Author's Note: Blessings! _

_ Proverbs 16:18 - Pridegoethbefore destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. _

_ Ephesians 5:22-25 - Wives, submit unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore the as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. _


	14. This Is The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hogwarts is being threatened by Voldemort and his atheism but manly Dumbledore will not let this pass! This chapter is the thrilling conclusion to the epic tale that is 'Hogwarts school of prayers and miracles'

_Author's Note: Hello, friends! I have some news; **[1]** and I know that it might be disappointing to the mommies out there. **[Shame]** My husband and I had a very long talk last night; **[2]** and he doesn't think that posting my writing online and going to classes is a good idea for our family. **[That does it. Your husband’s a bitch and you deserve better. You may have butchered one of my favourite stories but you still deserve better]** It was a hard decision for me to accept **[Then don’t accept it]** ; **[3]** but he does know best **[Um… No, no he doesn’t. You know why he doesn’t? Because he’s not you, he’s not in your head, he can’t read your mind, he doesn’t know how you feel about it. He can’t pull this and call himself a decent human being because that’s imposing his opinion on you without even considering your own while you are forced to accept it because your religion says you should]**. I want to thank all of the many righteous believers who have supported me in this little mission of mine; **[4]** and I hope that this last chapter ties up the loose ends as best as one chapter can. **[This doesn’t bode well…]**_

Harry gasped; **_[5]_** and Dean Thomas gasped too; _**[6]**_ and Hermione burst into tears; **_[Are we back to inserting a semicolon whenever we think is appropriate? *mental groans because I don’t want to disturb the others on the plane*]_** as Voldemort ambled through the parking lot. The enormous crowd of righteous students were nervous; **_[8]_** but they still stood boldly in the face of such horrifying evil. **_[Honestly he wasn’t described as horrifying. If anything he sounded like a normal guy]_** Dumbledore stood in front of them protectively and manfully. **_[We can’t have Dumbledore doing anything in a ‘girly’ way. God forbid!]_**

Harry looked at the depraved man walking toward them; **_[9]_** and he thought of all the lies that he must have been told by Evolutionists and Feminists all his life **_[Excuse you at least we don’t tell people they have to submit themselves to others]_** ; **_[10]_** and he thought of the empty, meaningless depravedness that must he would have to have to distract him from that missing Love in his life **_[I don’t know about you but, personally, I’m much happier now that I don't take a book with a talking snake for granted. I mean Leviticus alone condemns the majority of christians to hell]_** ; **_[11]_** and he thought of how one day he would die; **_[12]_** and that there would be no happy heaven for him, only the flames of hell **_[My sister rules hell. It’s not such a terrible place with the right connections]_**. Harry wondered how anyone could be so stupid **_[I’m wondering how you can be so stupid]_**. Who would want hell more than heaven? It made Harry so angry. **_[Strictly speaking heaven admits people who have been nice all their lives, it shouldn’t draw a distinction between those who believe and those who don’t]_**

Voldemort stopped walking when he was in front of the Reverend Dumbledore. He arrogantly nodded **_[... How????...]_** and said, "Hey, my name's Tom Riddle, and I'm here to visit my cousin. Which way is the guys' dorm?"

**_[I can’t decide exactly what this woman knows about HP. She obviously doesn’t know much but there are hints here and there that make me believe someone told her about the books in detail, but she only retained ‘witchcraft’ and proceeded to write this masterpiece]_ **

"Enough of your lies," Dumbledore exclaimed bravely. "We know who you are."

Voldemort blinked stupidly; **_[13]_** and then he uttered childishly, "I'm sorry… what?"

Dumbledore smiled smartly **_[Why. Are. There. Adverbs. Fucking. EVERYWHERE??]_**. "You're pretending to be dumb, I see. Well I'm not stupid. We know all about how much you hate Christians."

"What? I don't hate Christians," Voldemort lied dishonestly **_[As opposed to lying honestly]_**. "What are you even talking about?"

"You're still pretending to be dumb," the Reverend pointed out truthfully **_[Greg come save us from this onslaught of unnecessary adverbs]_**. "We know all about your plot to illegalize Christianity,  _Voldemort_."

Voldemort blinked stupidly again and questioned evilly, "Wait, this is about my Reddit account?" **_[*Squints suspiciously at screen*]_**

"Is that what you call your godless coven?" Dumbledore queried knowingly. **_[He's obviously not 'knowing' if he calls Reddit a coven]_** "Well yes I have indeed seen your so-called Reddit Account; **_[14]_ ** and just try to deny your hatred of Christianity when you post things like this-'kristians all sux. their religion is stoopid and should be illegal. i will rite to congres and tell them to make law.'"

Harry Potter laughed intelligently _**[Um... *?????????????*]**_ ; ** _[15]_ ** because Voldemort did not even understand proper spelling and grammar **_[You don’t understand it either so please refrain from making fun of others]._**

"That was a joke," Voldemort retorted unintelligently. "That whole account is a joke. I mean, 'Voldemort_the_righteous_skeptic'?" He laughed with the nervousness of one who knows he is damned. _**[If he knows he's damned, why is he nervous about it?]**_ "Of course you're not supposed to take it seriously."

"Do you think religion is a laughing matter young man?" Dumbledore demanded righteously. **_[As a matter of fact I do]._**  "Well it is not! What sort of a joke is trying to outlaw religion?!"

"Of course I don't actually want to outlaw religion," Voldemort uttered deceptively. "That would be ridiculous. I just got annoyed by the ridiculous straw man some Christians have made out of atheism ** _[You and me both Voldy]_** , so, whenever I see someone ranting about how depraved and evil we nonbelievers are, I reply with something like that. You know, taking that stereotype to an extreme to point out how ridiculous it is **_[I like this, I like it a lot. My way of fighting back is pointing out how much Christians like to cherry pick when it comes to the bible]._**

"Also, a small but vocal minority of atheists exists that stereotypes and mocks anyone who disagrees with them. They can be just as hateful as people think we all are, and that does real damage. They bug me as much as the straw man arguments do – and they give those arguments credibility – so I do the same thing to them, replying with an extreme version of what they said to highlight the absurdity of it."

"So, you're making fun of atheism?" Dumbledore interrogated shrewdly.

"No, no – I  _am_ an atheist ** _[Never thought I’d be agreeing with Voldy of all characters, tbh]_** ," Voldemort explained sinfully. "I'm just –"

"Just as I thought," Dumbledore surmised wisely; **_[16]_** and he smiled holily in satisfaction that the Lord had worked through him. **_[I honestly don't see the problem with Voldy here]_**. "We have been preparing for this day; **_[17]_ ** and we have been preparing for it for a long time. Students!"

The holy little ones stood at attention.

"Convert him **_[Wtf?? Is this your definition of ‘kind’??]_**!" Dumbledore commanded bravely; **_[18]_** and all at once-the students began to shout.

"You have been tricked by the lies of society," Harry shrieked knowingly. "You deserve to burn in hell!" **_[Where is Canon!Draco to smack this out of Harry?]_**

"Come over here!" Dean Thomas screeched articulately. "Debate me on religion!"  ** _[I'd gladly do it. Please, be my guest]_**

"I'm just so upset that you don't accept the Bible," Hermione sobbed femininely **_[you forgot to mention the delicate tears trailing down her porcelain cheeks]_**. "The Bible is the best book ever. Why can't you just respect that?!" _**[Because the Bible contains[Leviticus](http://leviticusbans.tumblr.com/) which calls me an abomination for (among others) eating shellfish, wearing a mix of two different fabrics, cutting my hair, not being straight (although you could argue it doesn't mention anything about women lying with women so you could argue we're in the clear), eating fat (bye bye bacon I guess), touching an unclean animal (My dog is afraid of her brush and you think I can bathe her every day for her to be clean??? NOPE), and (my personal favourite) drinking alcohol in Holy Places. So no, I can't respect the bible and I can't, in good conscience, let you call it 'the best book ever']**_

"I'm a Gryffindor Hat now!" Draco yelled boldly with the inspiring zeal that so many newcomers to the faith have. "Do you hate me now? I bet you do!" **_[My poor poor Draco, reduced to this. It's oaky canon!Draco, I'm horrified enough for us both]_**

Voldemort covered his ears with the discomfort that heathens often find themselves with when they are confronted with the truth **_[Or it could be that he doesn’t appreciate people shouting at him because he doesn’t take their beliefs for granted, just saying]_** ; **_[19]_** and he shouted loudly to drown out the word of the Lord, "You've been preparing to do this? To scream at me?" ** _[I feel you Voldy]_**

"It is the work of the Lord **_[Man if I were god I’d have a ton of fun sending all these ‘righteous christians’ to hell when they died, while I accepted all the ‘faithless heathens’ in heaven]_**!" Dumbledore explained accurately.

"Aren't there better ways to spend your time than preaching to a bored idiot who makes fun of people on the internet?"  Voldemort questioned hedonistically. **_[Voldy is the only person who makes sense in this whole thing]_**  "Your Lord seemed to be pretty concerned about helping the people around him. Is that not his work anymore?"

"How can we focus on helping people; **_[20]_ ** when there are people like you trying to destroy us?" Dumbledore countered astutely.  ** _[By ignoring people like him????]_**

"I told you before, that Reddit account is a joke" Voldemort whined pathetically; **_[21]_** but the Reverend shook his head.  ** _[Sometimes people just don’t see reason Voldy. It’s an unfortunate occurrence particularly high amongst extremely religious folks]_**

"I thought that might be so at first," the Reverend commented fairly. "But it was just too realistic." 

"How was it realistic?" Voldemort inquired uninformedly. **_[You and I are both wondering the same thing]._**  "It wasn't even subtle! I waxed poetic about the sexiness of neckbeards and said that Christopher Hitchens has superpowers. It was supposed to be funny! How could you take it seriously?"

Dumbledore scoffed; _**[22]** _ and he replied faithfully, "Like it or not-your little 'joke' is what most atheists today are like."  ** _[90% of atheists aren’t like that, I can guarantee you.Just like 90% of Christians are perfectly reasonable, and don't try to convert people by shouting at them]_**

 

"So my Reddit account solidified your conception of atheists as a bunch of anti-Christian bigots who are just angry at God?" Voldemort solicited stupidly; **_[23]_ ** and then he sighed. "Okay, you know what, this has gone too far. I'm sure that most people can tell that I'm not being serious, but if I'm contributing to misinformation and stereotypes, I don't feel comfortable continuing this." _ **[But.... Wait what????? No????]**_

Voldemort pulled an iPhone out of his pocket; **_[24]_ ** and he began to type on it. After a few minutes, he showed the screen to Dumbledore. "See this? I just made a post: 'I am a troll.' It is the last post I will make on that account. Are you happy?"  ** _[I’m not exactly happy, no]_**

Dumbledore virtuously ignored the heretic; **_[25]_** and he turned to the little ones standing behind his protection. "Students of Hogwarts! This fool will not listen to reason. Let's save this heathen's soul!" _ **[Dumbledore I knew you were somewhat off your rocker in the canon but this is taking it too far]**_

All the little ones got down on their knees; ** _[26]_** and they raised their hands to the sky; **_[27]_** and they screamed to the heavens, in the voices of those who knew they were doing great work, "Lord, please make Voldemort a Gryffindor Hat!" **_[I'd bet my laptop she also believes in conversion therapy, anyone with me?]_**

Voldemort sighed wickedly; **_[28]_** and he shook his head godlessly; _**[29]**_ and then he walked away depravedly **_[STOP!! USING!! ALL!! THESE!! ADVERBS!! DAMMIT!!]_**. But even as the fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist disappeared into the distance, the righteous little ones continued to pray. They knew that, if they screamed loud enough, they could change the world. ** _[I... I don't know what to say...]_**

**_[Semicolon counter: 29. Didn't you learn ANYTHING from your class??]_ **

**_Final reaction: Well I haven't been converted but I did learn a lot about the bible so I guess that's something? Otherwise I never thought I'd be able to feel sorry for Voldemort but here I am_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I did (after resigning myself to the fact that it's not getting any better, I did come to somewhat enjoy it) and please feel free to suggest any others you might want me to comment on :)
> 
> As a funny little coincidence, one of my favourite youtubers is actually reading this at the moment. She's currently on chapter two and her reactions are really funny (Shes also done a reading of 50 shades of grey for those interested):  
> [Here's chapter 1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjgDqu__PZI%20)

**Author's Note:**

> Ready for another round guys? I know I sure am!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, they all belong to JKR.


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